Starting Therapy

Ever since my diagnosis I've wanted to try counseling. I've heard great things about it but since my life is so transitional and unpredictable, I didn't know if that would happen. While in New York I found a really great new program - Breakthrough - which connects people online to therapists and psychologists and also uses insurance. It's been SO great because I talk to my therapist online and it doesn't matter where I'm living!

March 4, 2016

Today I talked with my therapist, Sandy. She said that I really do have severe depression and anxiety and I should ask my doctor to increase my dosage of antidepressants. She agrees that I’m doing everything I can on my own – the depression is organic and really is my body’s chemicals that are not balanced. That is so weird to me. It’s hard to grasp that this really is a disease that I can’t control. I don’t know if I fully believe it yet but I guess I need to. It’s also a relief knowing that there is something wrong with my body and that I’m doing everything right.

She also said that I need to be around people that know me and encourage me. I thought that I should be able to be confident on my own and not depend on other people for self-esteem. But she said that I need that. I need compliments. I need people to tell me I’m doing great. I need other people to boost my self-esteem. I guess we’re not created to be totally self-reliant. It’s good that I’m confident on my own but I need to find the balance of letting people in to lift me and boost me. 

March 9, 2016

Chasing sunshine. Even in March. 

March 11, 2016

Therapy today went well. We tried to figure out why I’m never content or satisfied which fuels my anxiety. I don’t know when this began. My mom said she first noticed it on my mission. I think I’ve dealt with it longer but I can’t recall specific times or when it started. I know my mission really perpetuated it – I feel like every minute should be productive and that I need to always be doing something meaningful and fulfilling. 

I also struggle with vulnerability. I’ve never felt comfortable totally opening up. During the hardest times of my life I usually have no one to talk to. Like on my mission I couldn’t just call home when I had a hard day. So I’ve just gotten used to keeping it all inside and turning to God for peace and comfort instead of turning to people. I’ve always been a really strong, independent person so maybe my pride gets in the way of admitting my struggles to people. I strive to be perfect, so it’s hard letting people see my personal struggles, doubts, and fears. I don’t like feeling weak and discouraged. I hate being frustrated and confused. I want to be the strong person.

Today I also went to a doctor and she changed my medication to Paroxetine/Paxil. We'll see if that changes anything. 

March 18, 2016

I had therapy today and it was quite painful. It hurts to openly acknowledge and face my weaknesses. I don’t like it, but it’s necessary I guess. 

March 30, 2016

Today I had therapy and we talked a lot about making decisions and why it’s so hard for me right now. Literally nothing sounds exciting. I don’t even want a job any more. I’m so tired of being asked what I’m doing with my life and what I want to do. I DON’T CARE. There are a lot of opportunities in DC, my professor has emailed me about some Arabic jobs, I got accepted to do EFY in Palmyra… But I don’t want to do any of them. I have no desire to pursue any of them. And Sandy reassured me that that is because of the depression. She said that the depression has really taken a toll on me, and this isn’t me. I won’t feel adequate and perfectly suited for any job, but I should be feeling ambitious and excited. How I’m feeling right now is not just circumstantial. If it was, I would’ve been able to push through it, like I have in the past.

Right now I know a lot of things in my head, but I don’t feel them. I know people love me, but I don’t really feel it. I know any of my job opportunities would be great, but I don’t feel it. I know God loves me and has a plan for me, but I don’t feel it right now. The depression has numbed me. Sandy says I need to get the medication working and it WILL help. I sure hope so. I don’t want to be stuck like this anymore. I hate this so much.

I’m also really worried because I don’t know if I feel the Spirit any more. I don’t really feel anything. For all my big decisions in the past I’ve relied on the Spirit and my feelings, but now I’m just confused because I feel blah all the time. How am I supposed to make big life decisions right now when I can’t trust the way I feel?

April 1, 2016

Last night was another really hard night. I don’t know why that happens, but some nights the weight of the despair and confusion and heartache is just too much to handle. I feel so trapped. I feel hopeless. I have no desire to keep doing life. I have never been suicidal but I really do understand now why some people don’t want to live any more. I feel it a lot. I would never hurt myself, but many days I just don’t want to deal with life any more. I have nothing to look forward to and I feel so alone. And that really scares me. 

I texted my parents and they gathered as a family to say a prayer for me, which I really appreciate. I make myself talk to my family but they really don’t help much. A lot of times they say, “Read your scriptures and listen to conference talks,” or “Pray.” And I do. But it doesn’t really help. Sometimes it makes it worse. During those really hard times I just feel angry and numb inside and it’s hard to read over and over in the scriptures things like, “Despair cometh because of iniquity,” or “Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land.” 

I have a hard time focusing and feeling anything right now so reading the scriptures sometimes makes me more frustrated. I still do it. I know that it will bless me, but honestly it’s hard. It would be easy just to watch TV and go to bed. But it’s when I’m alone and reading and praying that I feel so sad and hurt and lonely and frustrated. I feel powerless. I don’t know how to change things. I was taught that faith can move mountains and that God hears and answers prayers. I know those things, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt them.

I feel like I’m stuck in this whirlpool where I’m just tossed round and round and keep getting pulled further and further under the water. I’m drowning.  

April 5, 2016

I’ve cried myself to sleep the last few nights. I feel pinned down in every way, and I don’t feel any hope for things to change or improve. It’s been so long. I hate that I can’t help thinking about the things I really want. It hurts so much to want things that I don’t have and can’t have. I want so badly to feel wanted somewhere and to contribute to the things I really care about. I feel like there’s so much going on in this world that I want to be a part of, but I’m not. I want to use Arabic and do some good in this world. I want to be independent. I want to live somewhere and decorate my own wall. I want to stop living out of a suitcase. I want to be in a relationship. I want someone to talk to and hug. I want someone to love and I want someone to love me. I want to be social and do fun things. I want a life. 

This week I also went to a doctor about my really bad stomach pain and nausea. I did an abdominal ultrasound, breath test, and blood work. Some days it's so bad that all I do is lay in bed. 

April 8, 2016

This week I feel alright. Well, actually I don’t really feel anything. I’m afraid that I’ve gotten used to feeling lifeless and alone and blah – it’s just becoming normal. One thing that I want to better learn how to deal with is how to have hopes and desires without always being disappointed. I can’t seem to control what I really want and what I get excited about. But then I just get crushed every time something doesn’t work out, and I’m tired of feeling that way. I hate being disappointed, but how do I control my hopes and dreams and desires? Or how do I deal with disappointment when it seems to happen all the time? Nothing ever works out and nothing ever changes. 

This week I’ve really tried to work on mindfulness, and it is really hard! I get so distracted by thoughts and memories and ideas. I go into auto-pilot mode all the time. I’ve tried to be mindful during a few daily routines: showering and eating. It’s crazy how quickly I become distracted. I’m trying to really be in the moment and feel what’s happening to me rather than just thinking about it. I’ve also been doing the body scan each day, and I really like it. Often I get tired and start to fall asleep but it feels good to go through each part of my body and recognize what I’m sensing. It’s very refreshing and reminds me that I’m alive.  

My therapist recommended cognitive therapy so I found this workbook that I really like. It focuses on mindfulness, grounding, and recognizing thought processes, which is what I refer to above. 

April 16, 2016

Tender mercy: my cousin Mattie came to visit! We played all day in NYC and it was SO FUN! 

We are so similar in so many ways. It is also so refreshing to be with someone who really knows me and what I'm going through, and I don't have to explain myself to. I told her all about my recent struggles and awkward dating experiences and health problems. Real conversations are so important to me. Especially since I didn't know anyone in New York before moving here, and my life is pretty isolated right now. This weekend was such a blessing. 

April 20, 2016

The last few days have been really hard. More than anything I feel angry. I’m mad at God, even though I’m trying so hard not to be. I hate the situation that I’m in; it’s not getting any better and I don’t foresee anything changing. In my mindfulness workbook I’m supposed to recognize pleasant experiences throughout the day which has actually been really sad – I don’t really have pleasant experiences. I never feel happy. I go through the day and I make myself do things, but I don’t really feel anything. I just feel dead and numb and angry.

It is so hard not to compare myself to others. I’m trying to be happy for people in my life, but I also get really envious. I want so badly to have a life and to belong somewhere. When is it my turn?

I hate everything. I’m trying not to live in the past but I hate my current situation and I have nothing to hope for or look forward to. I don’t want to do this anymore.

When You're Mad at God 

April 25, 2016

Today I talked to Sandy about this weird mood that I get into. Some days I just feel so disconnected from everything. It takes me so much energy to be present and participate in whatever is going on. For example, on Saturday I went to the Yankees game with some friends. I just felt so out of it and I had to force myself to chat and be engaged in what was going on. It was exhausting and I just felt so weird. I have felt it many times throughout my life and I’ve never known why it happens and what to do about it. Because I know it’s not me – I do like being around people and I’m a fun person. I like to be social and goof around.

Sandy told me that this is a clear indication of chemical depression. So apparently I’ve dealt with it for a really long time because I remember having those days in middle school and high school. I felt like that a lot through college too. It’s strange to think about how long I’ve had depression and never knew it. And it’s hard not to feel kind of gypped. I never knew if that was just a bad mood or a sugar hangover or what. Knowing that it was depression all along is really frustrating but also relieving. And all I can do about it is to keep trying to figure out my medication. GAHHH.