As my time in New York came to an end I knew I just needed to move home and get healthy. My body felt like it was dying with nausea, headaches, hot flashes, night sweats, and less and less energy every day. I even turned down several jobs because I felt so paralyzed and sick.
May 8, 2016
I'm home! This weekend was really great. It was Apple Blossom weekend (big parade, family get-together) and I loved seeing lots of family. I'm especially grateful for the sweet aunts and cousins who are so encouraging and loving towards me. They don't pressure me at all and just help me feel loved. Several of them have dealt with depression/anxiety/postpartum/antidepressants so it was so good to talk to them. And there is nothing more refreshing than sunshine, good food, and laughter.
May 12, 2016
Natural therapy today. It was hard to get myself up and out the door, but I'm so glad I did.
May 16, 2016
I’m sitting at home right now and I’ve never felt more dead,
exhausted, and unmotivated before.
This isn’t me.
I used to be so self-motivated and active and alive. I used to be so goal-oriented, always pushing myself to do more and be better. I used to be so social and fun and spunky. I feel like I’m totally
losing myself and ruining everything I’ve worked for and become.
Depression is terrible. It sucks away your personality and life. It
masks your character and questions your identity, faith, and patience. I feel
totally lost and broken and destroyed. I don’t even know who I am any more.
May 22, 2016
Being home is great, but I also feel guilty like ALL the time.
The other night my whole family was out working in the orchard. I really wanted to go out and help, but I physically couldn't. I felt so tired and numb and dead. I laid on the couch and cried. Eventually I was able to get up, go outside, and help just as they were finishing up.
My parents are literally always working and I feel so lazy. I really do want to do things, but some days I just can't. It kills me.
I think it's also confusing for my family because some days or some parts of the day I do feel good. That's the problem - depression is so up and down. I'll feel like doing something one minute, and the next minute I have no desire or energy to do it any more. It's a struggle to do anything! I pretty much force myself to do everything. Whether it's going for a run, hanging out with friends, or going to church, nothing comes easy. My mind and my body fight against everything. It is so exhausting.
Also, yesterday was really hard. I felt sick all day and just totally overwhelmed and discouraged. I layed on the couch all day and it was pretty miserable.
May 23, 2016
I went to the doctor today. I really like this doctor, she takes the
time to fully understand what I’m going through. She changed my medication to a
different class of antidepressants. My previous meds targeted serotonin. I’m
now on Effexor which targets different brain chemicals. She said I need
to be consistent in taking the meds because I’ll definitely feel it if I skip. She also said it could affect my dizziness and sleep. Great.
Man, life is tough right now. It is seriously SO hard to get up in
the morning. I’ve never had this struggle before but it is terrible. Also it
just takes so much effort to do ANYTHING. I got all ready to go on a run this
morning and then felt absolutely dead. So I sat on the couch until I felt
better, then I was able to go. One minute I’ll want to do something, and the
next I’m absolutely exhausted and can’t do it. I also have terrible headaches,
making it difficult to concentrate or read or focus. ALSO, I feel nauseous 96%
of the time. I never feel like eating anything but I still make myself. That
probably affects my energy and dizziness too because I don’t eat as often as I
should (especially with hypoglycemia). Man I am such a mess.
I REALLY hate being lazy and unproductive. This has been the biggest
trial of my patience. It is SO hard for me to chill out and let myself get
healthy. DAHHHHH.
May 27, 2016
Yesterday was so weird. I have never slept this much in my entire life. I slept in until 9 or so. Then my mom and I went up to Lake Chelan to clean the cabin. I vacuumed the new part and then sat down on the bed because I felt dizzy. 4 hours later I woke up super confused and disoriented. Then we went home. I felt so bad but I was OUT. And even though I slept so much during the day I was just fine going to sleep at night and didn’t wake up until 9:30 this morning. Ayayay. What is happening to me. Also, I barely ate anything today. I even turned down a Snickers. Something is very wrong.
May 30, 2016
The last couple days I've actually felt pretty dang good. The nausea is always there but I've had a lot more energy and motivation. And hope. I feel good about life and know everything will be okay.
Yesterday was so weird. I have never slept this much in my entire life. I slept in until 9 or so. Then my mom and I went up to Lake Chelan to clean the cabin. I vacuumed the new part and then sat down on the bed because I felt dizzy. 4 hours later I woke up super confused and disoriented. Then we went home. I felt so bad but I was OUT. And even though I slept so much during the day I was just fine going to sleep at night and didn’t wake up until 9:30 this morning. Ayayay. What is happening to me. Also, I barely ate anything today. I even turned down a Snickers. Something is very wrong.
May 30, 2016
The last couple days I've actually felt pretty dang good. The nausea is always there but I've had a lot more energy and motivation. And hope. I feel good about life and know everything will be okay.
June 4, 2016
This week has been A LOT better, and I’ve had much more energy. I
definitely feel a difference with this new medication.
It was nice having motivation to get up each morning – I babysat
Harlee all week for Sami (friend's sister) and that was a lot of fun but also exhausting. She has
a lot of energy and I’m definitely not on her level. But it was good for me to
have something to do all week and focus on. She is sure a ray of sunshine.
It’s so hard for me to mentally and emotionally deal with
everything on my shoulders though. I feel like I have so many burdens that
constantly weigh me down and I don’t know how to relieve them. I’ve read a lot
of conference talks and I pray for help, but I can’t seem to let it all go. I’m
trying though.
Some days I feel like a bug trapped under a container that’s being
held down by a force much greater than my own. No matter how hard I lift I can’t
get free. And I’ve been working and lifting for so long that I’m completely
exhausted and can’t do it anymore.
I’ve learned that God is not the author of confusion, frustration,
and fear. But why don’t those things go away when I’m trying so hard to let God
take them? I don’t know what else to do.
This weekend was great though! I spent lots of time in the sunshine at my favorite place with these sweet little girlies. Nothing better.
June 5, 2016
So, I've been thinking a lot about how to actually give our burdens to the Lord. Scriptures and talks and testimonies all encourage us to let the Lord take them, but I have a hard time knowing HOW. So many things weigh on my mind ALL the time and it drives me crazy.
It's not just the depression and terrible health. It's relationships, and self-esteem, and finances. It's feeling out of place all the time while watching everyone else find their place. It's never knowing what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week, next month, or next year. It's struggling to reconcile revelation with reality. It's hating social media but also knowing that it's the one thing that keeps people from totally forgetting about me. It's a continual battle against comparing myself to others. It's being disappointed by possible opportunities, high expectations, and simple hopes over and over and over again. And the dating life... Oh my goodness. So many weird and discouraging experiences that could only ever happen to me.
It's a million things that I worry and stress and think about all the time.
It is all SO heavy and I feel more weight added to my shoulders each and every day. I've been struggling to know what to do with it and how it get rid of it.
But today at church a profound thought came to me. It was, "Alyssa, I'm not relieving your burdens, because you're becoming stronger. You can handle this."
I guess sometimes when we ask God to take away our problems and struggles the answer is no. Why would He take away heavy weights when I'm strong enough to carry them? He's not going to baby me. He's not going to make everything better. But He is going to make me better. And I guess that will have to be okay.
June 5, 2016
So, I've been thinking a lot about how to actually give our burdens to the Lord. Scriptures and talks and testimonies all encourage us to let the Lord take them, but I have a hard time knowing HOW. So many things weigh on my mind ALL the time and it drives me crazy.
It's not just the depression and terrible health. It's relationships, and self-esteem, and finances. It's feeling out of place all the time while watching everyone else find their place. It's never knowing what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week, next month, or next year. It's struggling to reconcile revelation with reality. It's hating social media but also knowing that it's the one thing that keeps people from totally forgetting about me. It's a continual battle against comparing myself to others. It's being disappointed by possible opportunities, high expectations, and simple hopes over and over and over again. And the dating life... Oh my goodness. So many weird and discouraging experiences that could only ever happen to me.
It's a million things that I worry and stress and think about all the time.
It is all SO heavy and I feel more weight added to my shoulders each and every day. I've been struggling to know what to do with it and how it get rid of it.
But today at church a profound thought came to me. It was, "Alyssa, I'm not relieving your burdens, because you're becoming stronger. You can handle this."
I guess sometimes when we ask God to take away our problems and struggles the answer is no. Why would He take away heavy weights when I'm strong enough to carry them? He's not going to baby me. He's not going to make everything better. But He is going to make me better. And I guess that will have to be okay.
As I reflect on this last year and everything I've been through, I can definitely say that it's been HELL, and I never want to go back. There is so much I don't know or understand. But there is also so much I do know.
I know that God loves me and has a plan for me. I know that prayers are heard and answered in some way and at some time. I know that trials are for our learning and growth, they enable us to help others and become more like God. I've been shocked by the people God has placed in my path this last year who I can specifically relate to and help. I'm also amazed at the things I'm learning that have given me a whole new perspective, respect, and reverence.
I know that faith will never fail, hope is always possible, and God's sunshine always shines.
Alyssa--It is very brave of you to open your heart and soul up like that, and I hope that doing so helps you. I'm Susi Larson's daughter, and I think I saw you in the temple this past year in the baptistery! My Mom forwarded me your emails when you were on your mission and I found them very inspiring, every time. You are an amazing writer, and this blog really allows us to see into your life and your pain, but also your sincere searching and trying to understand everything in a gospel-focused context. I can't say I have any answers for you; I have faced depression but only a mild version that goes away in a less than a day. I don't know why Heavenly Father is having you go through such trials, but it's great that you can see that someday you'll understand the reason. I wish you all the best!
ReplyDeleteI am glad I saw this tonight. My journey through depression and anxiety has similarities to what you are dealing with right now. There have been many times that I have cried to the Lord to take it away but each time He sends me a reason to hang in there. My ability to connect with others, my love and compassion is due largely to my experiences with mental illness. I have, over time, come to know with surety that I am exactly as I need to be and where I need to be. That is not to say I don't wish some things were different. But the Lord's plan is- must be- better than my own. There is much more I could speak of but I think this is enough for now. You are not alone in this experience. I am here if I can help, let me know.
ReplyDeleteAlyssa, please know it is ok, not comfortable, to be different--to feel lonely -- to feel no one needs you -- to cry words and tears in prayer to the Lord asking Him to guide you each day...it may be simply putting a smile on your face and a song in your heart --find happiness in doing things alone -- go to the animal shelter and give a dog or cat some love -- those of us suffering with major depressive disorder can gain a great deal of joy just drinking in God's creations by taking a long walk and looking at the beauty of the trees, bushes, hills, flowers, the sky with its amazing clouds and galaxy of lights, the rain and the rainbow -- I shed tears of joy unsurpassed when I think of the words of the song "How Great Thou Art" -- This world was created for all mankind to enjoy! GOD WILL MAKE YOU STRONG. jh
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