Diagnosis & Realization

I graduated from BYU in the spring of 2015. Following graduation nothing really felt right and I didn't know what direction to go in, so I decided to move home and take a break. I lived in Wenatchee all summer, spending time with family and trying to make a plan. But my health started declining and I slowly lost all motivation and ambition. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus. I felt dead. This is when I first realized something was seriously wrong. 

September 6, 2015

I've had so many things bothering me (excessive thirst, dizziness, fatigue, headaches, no energy, not sleeping well, etc.) and it was finally time to figure it out. So I gave in and went to a doctor. I've been tested for diabetes before because of my weird symptoms. I've also thought that maybe I have some autoimmune disorder or something messing with my hormones.

But as I was explaining everything to the doctor I had this weird moment where I thought, "Oh my goodness, I just said exactly what my friend told me about his mental health stuff." As she was explaining some of the possibilities she mentioned depression/anxiety and all of a sudden I knew that's exactly what I have.

But I went to the clinic to get lab work and an EKG. I knew that it would all come back fine and that I had depression. It totally makes sense, I just never recognized it before. Pretty crazy. It's kind of a relief that something is wrong and I can get help. But that day was rough just dealing with the realization that I most likely have a mental illness. I never ever thought this would happen to me.

September 20, 2015

Thursday was a rough day for some reason. Sometimes the weight of everything is a little too heavy. I feel despair. Nothing seems to be going right and it's hard to maintain hope. That evening I wrote on my blog about God's plan because I needed the reminder.

Also that day I sat down and made a list of all my unrealistic expectations, which has probably fueled my depression. I have so many! It was crazy. I guess I've been hurting myself for a long time and I've never realized it.

Friday was also a hard day. I felt emotionally exhausted and total despair and loneliness. I cried a lot. It was the worst. So I texted Shayla (my sister) and she called and we talked about everything and I cried to her and talked things over. She was an angel that day.

September 27, 2015

This week has been good - I feel so much better and I've been able to stay busy which is such a blessing!

On Friday afternoon I drove with my mom and dad to Seattle. First we saw my grandma and then we did a session at the temple and it was so great. Bonus of my anxiety: I stay awake the whole time! I just love the temple and feel such peace there.

On Saturday night we went to the stake center to watch the women's broadcast and it was awesome! I usually don't love those conferences but this one was great and I loved every talk, especially President Uchtdorf's. One line was particularly meaningful when he said you can't talk your way out of depression. I wish I could, and that's what I've been trying to do for a long time. But I can't do it alone - I need help.

October 4, 2015

Monday afternoon I had a doctor's appointment. I filled out a survey and was diagnosed with moderate major depression and anxiety. It's so weird to me that I have depression, but it's a huge relief knowing that there is something wrong and I can get help. So she prescribed an antidepressant (Citalopram/Celexa) which I started a few days later. I'm really eager to get better, I hope it works!