Move to New York

I moved to New York at the beginning of January 2016 to nanny for the family of my cousin's wife's sister. They have 5 kids and needed help getting kids to all their activities or staying home with the newborn baby. It was a great experience. I loved the family, made some really great friends, and had lots of adventures! Nannying was really flexible which was nice because my health continued to get worse and worse...

January 17, 2016

One day this week I woke up in a panic and freaked out all day. It was terrible. I tried to talk to people. Shayla (sister) called and I texted Nichole (friend). That always helps. I hate my perpetual anxiety - it is the worst feeling and I just want it to go away.

January 31, 2016

I felt so directed and inspired to study Arabic in college. I always knew it wasn't practical but I loved it and trusted that the Lord had some purpose for me in that direction. I feel like I'm losing all my skills and abilities. I can barely focus and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

People always ask me what I want to do with Arabic or what I'm doing with my life in general, and I really wish I could give them an answer. I've never been able to picture my life and it's exhausting when I legitimately have no idea. It makes me feel pretty dumb.

5 Nasty Lies Depression Wants You to Believe

February 7, 2016

This week was rough. I am such a mess. I work so hard each day to keep my faith from dying and to keep moving forward. But each day I feel like I recognize more issues and weaknesses in myself, and it's daunting to think about all the challenges I need to overcome. I feel weak and inadequate and crazy.

All I can say is thank goodness for the friends and family who love and support me. Talking to Allie, Shayla, Kamry, and my mom has been the greatest source of strength to me. I am also continually grateful for the gospel - for a solid foundation to cling onto for dear life. Reading the scriptures, praying, and listening to prophets is my most cherished means of help. Nothing brings more hope and peace than when prophets testify that things will get better and blessings will come.

I've also been reading a lot. Mostly non-fiction stuff that's horribly depressing. Like Anne Frank's "The Diary of a Young Girl" and "Unlikely Warrior: A Jewish Soldier in Hitler's Army," and these actually help me a lot! I have so much to be grateful for and my life is pretty great compared to what so many others have been through.

March 3, 2016

The last few weeks have been the worst yet in dealing with depression. Last Sunday I drove home from church and talked to three different people who all told me about their struggles, heartbreaks, and worries. During the third conversation I was on the verge of tears the whole time. When I hung up the phone I lost it and cried and cried. This giant wave of hopelessness and overwhelming despair came over me. It was suffocating and dark and paralyzing. I just laid in bed and cried, not able to do anything.

I’ve had that feeling before, but to a lesser degree. It is really scary! I HATE it. It is an actual power of darkness and despair, and it is terrifying. I turned on a conference talk trying to disperse the darkness but I just sat there, totally overwhelmed. Finally I texted my mom. She tried to call but I didn’t want to talk. At home my family gathered together and said a prayer for me. I cried more. I am so grateful to have a loving, supportive, faithful family but I also feel bad that I can’t deal with this on my own. I shouldn’t be having these issues, but my family has rallied around me and I will be forever grateful for their prayers, fasting, and encouragement. 

I just don’t want to do life any more. I don’t see the point of all this frustration and hurt and stress. Nothing has gone right in a really long time. It’s been a long time since I felt happy and excited about life. I am not excited at all about the future. I just want to be done. And that’s really scary. 

What to do when you want to quit life

Monday was really terrible too. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot. They stung. My nose hurt. I had a terrible headache. The one saving grace – sunshine! It was a beautiful, sunny day which I needed more than anything. Sunshine automatically makes me feel better. It helps me feel God’s love and warmth. That day I just tried to get through the day. I went outside and hiked the Appalachian Trail (which ran right through my backward).

That night I knew I needed a Priesthood blessing. The dad was out of town but the neighbor came over and gave me the sweetest blessing. I was told that this is just a temporary thing. I will learn from it and be able to help others. That was unbelievably comforting. The Priesthood is incredible. I could not handle this without blessings of peace, comfort, and direction.

I’ve been surprised how depression has affected me physically. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. This week has been terrible. I am SO tired with no energy or motivation. Running has been a real struggle. My body just doesn’t have the energy to go very long. I don’t sleep well and keep waking up drenched in sweat. I have terrible dreams. I have headaches. I feel nauseous all the time but I’m super hungry. It’s the weirdest. 

Depression is so interesting and I don’t really understand it. I wonder how much of it is a mental/chemical illness and how much of it is just Satan. I’ve felt the darkness many times throughout my life, especially on my mission. When I read Joseph Smith’s account of the First Vision I can relate to the dark power he felt before the light appeared. The really hard moments of depression feel like what Joseph described – an actual power, darkness, the temptation to surrender to despair and destruction. I wonder just how connected depression is with Satan. It’s very interesting.