The journal continues...
(for those just joining click on My Story above)
July 25, 2016
Today was actually a good day. Right now I'm sitting at my most favorite place in the world. And I feel peace. As I look back at the cabin with my family doing this and that, I feel so humbled and grateful. Tears form in my eyes as I think about who they are and what they mean to me. As I look at the gorgeous sunset with pink-lined clouds and purple-silhouetted mountains and feel the subtle summer breeze blow my hair, I feel in my heart that God is real and aware of me right now. Everything around me is perfectly peaceful and still, and for the first time in a long time, so is my soul.
July 26, 2016
When I woke up this morning I could barely walk. I have no idea what happened! It feels like my foot got run over by a car and crushed everything inside. I'm laughing as I write this because it's actually really funny how terrible my luck has been. Man, it's always something else. Waking up every day is a terrifying adventure.
I feel like when friends text/call and ask about what I'm doing it probably sounds like my life is pretty great. All I do is sleep, chill with the fam, swim, pick fruit, play with babies, paddle board, and lay out in the sun. It sounds like I'm living the dream. But it's actually REALLY hard for me! I hate it.
I hate being useless and lazy and boring. I hate not having a job or school or some kind of purpose. I hate not feeling needed anywhere. I hate seeing life pass me by. I hate feeling out of place and judged and alone all the time. I hate being sick to my stomach without anyone knowing. I hate it all.
I know that I'm doing my best though, I think. At least I'm trying. I'm trying really hard to "get healthy." I'm trying medications, therapy, exercise, diet, essential oils, cognitive therapy, and spiritual healing. I'm trying to love and serve those around me right now. I'm trying to improve and learn and grow. I'm trying to be here and appreciate the people and moments of each day. But I'm also trying to make plans for the future. I really am trying.
July 29, 2016
These are the questions I'm working through right now:
1. How do I actually access the power of the Atonement and feel Jesus Christ in my life? The gospel teaches that Christ suffered all alone so that we don't have to. He suffered everything so that "he may know... how to succor his people according to their infirmities." But how do I access that? I don't feel Him. I don't feel the power of Christ in my life even though I really want to. I've felt it before. Especially on my mission I recognized very specific and personal blessings of the Atonement in my challenges. But now, during my hardest personal trial yet, I don't feel it. I pray for it. I live worthy of it. I study the Atonement and the life of Christ. But on the really hard days I feel entirely alone and forgotten and ignored. I don't feel any "succor." I don't feel Christ with me at all. What do I do?
2. How is depression fair in God's plan? How can there be an exception to God's promises? I am promised that if I keep the commandments I'll be blessed and happy. I am promised that if I follow Christ I won't have to walk in darkness. I am promised so many things in the gospel. But why is there an exception to those blessings for a "chemical imbalance?" Because I am not happy. And I feel darkness all the time.
3. How do I know if I believe something? I have no idea what I believe anymore.
July 31, 2016
I did a lot of fun things this week - Lake Chelan, Gig Harbor, Watershed Music Festival. Man, if there's anyone that can make me feel loved and good about myself, it's the Callahans (cousins). Visiting them was awesome and a change of scenery was much needed.
Health Status: I still get stomach aches a lot but my nausea and lack of appetite is better. I've been sleeping alright - but now I have CRAZY dreams so when I wake up I can't go back to sleep because they freak me out and I think about them all day long. My energy is getting better. My anxiety is getting worse. I hate being alone and making even minor decisions is really hard for me. I feel jaded with everything and force myself to do anything. More than anything I am extremely frustrated with myself.
August 1, 2016
I went to the doctor this morning and it was kind of a disheartening appointment. She's not sure why nothing is working and what to do next. She literally said, "I don't know what to tell you." Awesome. But she added another medication in addition to Effexor called Wellbutrin. I also went to get more blood drawn and she ordered lab work to look at some different hormones. She wants me to see a psychiatrist to make sure this really is a mental health problem and not something else. Man, I never thought I'd be seeing a psychiatrist! What has my life come to. I scheduled an appointment a few months ago but it's not until November (that's how long the wait is)! Stuuuupid. But there are some other private options that we're going to try when we get back from Utah. This is just so fun.
August 7, 2016
This week was awesome, we went to Utah for a family reunion.
I saw some good friends.
I slept in a horse trailer.
I went trail riding.
I fell in love.
I fell in love.
(with a camera)
I was really anxious about going to Utah - I feel like it's the land of all my insecurities. But it was a good week for the most part. I couldn't sleep AT ALL. Whenever I do something out of the ordinary I get super anxious and can't sleep at night. And that just affects everything else.
Oh! I also went and saw my Mission President and his wife and I'm so glad I did. We chatted for quite a while and I asked him some of my questions - how to get through hard times without losing faith, how to access the Atonement, and how to have hope. We had a great conversation. I loved a scripture he shared, D&C 50:2-3,5:
"Behold, verily I say unto you, that there are many spirits which are false spirits, which have gone forth in the earth, deceiving the world.
"And also Satan hath sought to deceive you, that he might overthrow you.
"But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life."
Mortality is tough and Satan is real. But I've just gotta hang on and keep doing the things I know I should do and never give up. So many days I legitimately want to give up, to quit everything and stop thinking and feeling. But I don't know how to give up. It's not in my nature.
Someone asked me why recently; why I keep doing and trying and fighting. And I think it's because of the innate seed of faith placed deep within my soul. God has given me the gift of faith and somehow it can never be extinguished no matter what. I know so many things deep within me, and my faith holds those things safe even though I have been pushed and pulled to the edge of my limits day after day.
But today and always, I choose faith.
August 8, 2016
I'm tired of being sick. Today I just wanted to die.
But I think I had a flash of revelation as we were driving home from Utah yesterday. I was reading an article about hormone imbalances and one of the paragraphs mentioned cortisol and how it can throw you off. I suddenly remembered that while at BYU I was part of a study in my Arabic group that correlated stress levels with language learning. We had to measure our blood pressure during tests and give hair samples to measure our cortisol. Well, I remember my professor contacting me because I had high levels of cortisol, and he asked all about how I was able to manage stress and do well despite my natural indicators.
Anyways, I looked up symptoms of high cortisol and it was SPOT ON. Like every random health problem I've had is a symptom of high cortisol:
1. You're not sleeping well. Even if you're tired all day you get a second wind right around bedtime. Then you toss and turn all night and feel tired again the next day. YUP.
2. Even when you sleep well, you're still tired. CHECK.
3. You catch colds and other infections easily. I SWEAR I'VE HAD A COLD ALL YEAR.
4. You crave unhealthy foods. ALL I WANT IS MAC & CHEESE AND CANDY.
5. You experience backaches and headaches. ALL THE TIME.
6. Your gut acts up. You might experience nausea or abdominal cramps. I'VE BEEN NAUSEOUS FOR FREAKING EVER.
7. You feel anxious. ALWAYS.
8. You feel blue, leading to depression. UH HUH.
9. Muscle weakness. SOO WEAK.
10. Cognitive difficulties, decreased concentration, and impaired memory. ALL OF THE ABOVE.
11. Severe fatigue. DEFINITELY.
12. Blood sugar dysregulation. HELLO HYPOGLYCEMIA.
This HAS to be the root of all my problems!
Anyways, I called my doctor today and told her everything. She ordered a lab test that I'll do tomorrow. I really hope this is an answer.
August 14, 2016
This week was pretty good. We had lots of family in town for the reunion. I'm used to tons of people, but even I got a little overwhelmed. There were so many people and so many kiddos running around and it was crazy!
I love my family. Our reunions are the perfect mix of chaotic, dangerous fun and spiritual, uplifting togetherness. But by the end I was pretty drained and all talked out. That's why I write about stuff - trying to explain my life is just way too hard.
The reunion was great though. So many people care about me, and I appreciate them so much.
August 17, 2016
Tonight I went to Institute for the first time in a while, and it made me feel kind of terrible. We read and discussed Elder Holland's talk "Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders Among You." It made me feel so angry and I can't explain why. I feel like I've been praying and working and hoping for "tomorrow" for SO long. And it never comes. Every day is the same torturous hell that I can't escape. And on the outside my life probably looks great. But on the inside I am seriously dying.
I feel powerless. I feel like nothing I do or want matters. And I feel like God doesn't care.
People try to encourage me all the time. My parents try to help. But no one will ever understand how deeply I've been hurt this past year and how much pain and heartache and anger and frustration I've carried.
In my mind I know all the things you're supposed to tell people who are struggling. "It will all work out." "God loves you and has a plan for you." "You're not alone." "You have so much to be grateful for, focus on the good." Yada yada yada. But right now I hate everything and I don't want to hear any of that. I'm angry about things so deep and personal that I'll never be able to adequately explain. I'm broken in every way possible. And I think it's okay to let myself be mad right now. I don't need to keep sugar-coating life like I always have. I don't need to pretend to be okay. Because I'm definitely not.
August 18, 2016
This morning was the WORST. I don't think I really slept at all because I have really deep burns on my elbows that hurt all night. They must be from tubing. But I was fine while boating and I have never gotten burns this deep and this painful before. Anyways, I finally decided to get out of bed at like 6:30 am. But then I had excruciating pain on my foot and couldn't walk. I've had this callous on my toe since like high school soccer, but today it decided to swell up and hurt like a mother. So I hobbled down the stairs with tears streaming down my face, and I was so mad. Today was the day Mattie and I had planned to hike to Colchuck Lake, and we've been planning it for a long time. I really wanted to go.
So I was sitting on the couch watching Olympics with both elbows wrapped and my foot soaking in solution. I was in the worst mood. But then the thought of sitting there all day seemed much worse than the thought of wrapping my toe, squeezing my shoe on, and hobbling up the mountain. So I decided to go anyways. And I definitely limped the entire 8 miles. But I needed to go, for myself. And to slap my horribly bad luck in the face.
August 22, 2016
This weekend was rough. Physically, I'm dying. I also heard back from the lab and my cortisol levels came back normal (WHAT?!). I still think that's what's wrong with me, but I don't know what to do now. I was really hoping that was an answer so I could treat it and feel better. Dang it! I was pretty upset about it because I was really hanging on to that hope. But at the same time I'm so used to nothing working out. So whatever.
My doctor wants to refer me to an endocrinologist to look into the cortisol thing more. But my appointment isn't until DECEMBER 30! I cannot wait that long so I'll have to go to Seattle or somewhere else. I'm just so annoyed by how long this process is taking. I am so over it all.
Anyways, this morning I went to a local family service. It's one of my few hopes for seeing a psychiatrist before November. Today I did the intake evaluation which was really long. The guy asked me ALL about my life - siblings, friends, what I did in high school, what I believe, what makes me unique... It was boring. I'm tired of explaining myself and feeling like doctors have no idea what's going on. He ruled out bipolar and PTSD and thinks I have a depressive disorder. But other than that he couldn't pinpoint why.
I feel so numb today. Absolutely dead. The evaluation guy asked me a question which I've been thinking about all day. He said, "What would make you happy right now?" And I couldn't give him an answer. I really don't know. And that makes me so sad. I feel terrible and so far from who I used to be. How did this even happen? I don't know, but I'm in serious need of a miracle.
August 25, 2016
Today I went and saw an LDS counselor. He's based in Spokane but comes here a few times a month. He's my only option for an LDS counselor around here so good thing I liked him. I've talked to a counselor before but we came to a dead end because I don't have any trauma to work through and I already have a lot of good, healthy habits to combat depression. But now we're not even sure if the root of my problems is mental health. Depression is probably just a side effect of something else.
But the reason I want to see an LDS counselor now is because I am just desperate for some kind of relief. I have felt crappy for over a year now and it has totally destroyed me. I get so frustrated and angry by the end of each day and I don't know what to do when I feel that way. I don't know how not to be mad. I don't know how to keep hope.
I try everything I can to maintain a shred of happiness and hope. Lately it's been by eating chocolate and dancing. And watching dance videos. This is one I really love and can relate to lately:
I feel so trapped and it's the worst feeling in the world. I want to get out and do something with my life, but I don't know what or where. I don't want to move somewhere alone but all of my friends are married so I kind of have to do something alone. But my parents don't want me to leave until I get feeling better but doctors don't have any answers and it takes forever to try medications and see specialists and I just keep getting worse even though I'm trying so hard to get better. BLAHHH.
Once again I wish I had some happy news to report. But I don't.
All I have to say is life is hard so eat what you want and dance like a crazy person.
It helps.
This is where my journal ends, for now. I will update as life continues.
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