My Story

My name is Alyssa and I really really love sunshine.

It makes me happy and helps me feel God's love.

Many things in my life provide me with inner sunshine: a relationship with Jesus Christ, friends, family, prayer, laughter, and service. My life has been so great. I grew up in Wenatchee, WA. I am second oldest of 8 kids. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I studied Middle East Studies & Arabic at BYU. I served an LDS mission in Palmyra, NY. I love anything athletic, creative, or adventurous.

About nine months ago I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I never thought I would have to deal with mental illness; it was very shocking and humbling. This last year has been extremely difficult trying to trudge through storms of torrential downpour and chase the sunshine.

My depression is completely chemical. I've never experienced trauma or abuse or toxic relationships. For some reason my body simply doesn't produce the chemicals it needs to stay motivated, energized, and happy. I've worked hard throughout my life to mask the symptoms, but it's progressively worsened and everything collided and crashed down this last year. I have all sorts of weaknesses that don't help the depression, and big life changes have worsened it, but really my depression has been completely out of my control.

Ever since my diagnosis I have kept a journal of thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I never intended to share them so they are very personal and honest (and only a tiny bit edited). 

My hope is that this blog will illustrate that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel weak and broken and hurt. It's okay to deal with mental illness, and it's okay to get help. But it's never okay to give up and lose faith in a loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

Diagnosis & Realization

I graduated from BYU in the spring of 2015. Following graduation nothing really felt right and I didn't know what direction to go in, so I decided to move home and take a break. I lived in Wenatchee all summer, spending time with family and trying to make a plan. But my health started declining and I slowly lost all motivation and ambition. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus. I felt dead. This is when I first realized something was seriously wrong. 

September 6, 2015

I've had so many things bothering me (excessive thirst, dizziness, fatigue, headaches, no energy, not sleeping well, etc.) and it was finally time to figure it out. So I gave in and went to a doctor. I've been tested for diabetes before because of my weird symptoms. I've also thought that maybe I have some autoimmune disorder or something messing with my hormones.

But as I was explaining everything to the doctor I had this weird moment where I thought, "Oh my goodness, I just said exactly what my friend told me about his mental health stuff." As she was explaining some of the possibilities she mentioned depression/anxiety and all of a sudden I knew that's exactly what I have.

But I went to the clinic to get lab work and an EKG. I knew that it would all come back fine and that I had depression. It totally makes sense, I just never recognized it before. Pretty crazy. It's kind of a relief that something is wrong and I can get help. But that day was rough just dealing with the realization that I most likely have a mental illness. I never ever thought this would happen to me.

September 20, 2015

Thursday was a rough day for some reason. Sometimes the weight of everything is a little too heavy. I feel despair. Nothing seems to be going right and it's hard to maintain hope. That evening I wrote on my blog about God's plan because I needed the reminder.

Also that day I sat down and made a list of all my unrealistic expectations, which has probably fueled my depression. I have so many! It was crazy. I guess I've been hurting myself for a long time and I've never realized it.

Friday was also a hard day. I felt emotionally exhausted and total despair and loneliness. I cried a lot. It was the worst. So I texted Shayla (my sister) and she called and we talked about everything and I cried to her and talked things over. She was an angel that day.

September 27, 2015

This week has been good - I feel so much better and I've been able to stay busy which is such a blessing!

On Friday afternoon I drove with my mom and dad to Seattle. First we saw my grandma and then we did a session at the temple and it was so great. Bonus of my anxiety: I stay awake the whole time! I just love the temple and feel such peace there.

On Saturday night we went to the stake center to watch the women's broadcast and it was awesome! I usually don't love those conferences but this one was great and I loved every talk, especially President Uchtdorf's. One line was particularly meaningful when he said you can't talk your way out of depression. I wish I could, and that's what I've been trying to do for a long time. But I can't do it alone - I need help.

October 4, 2015

Monday afternoon I had a doctor's appointment. I filled out a survey and was diagnosed with moderate major depression and anxiety. It's so weird to me that I have depression, but it's a huge relief knowing that there is something wrong and I can get help. So she prescribed an antidepressant (Citalopram/Celexa) which I started a few days later. I'm really eager to get better, I hope it works!

Move to Utah

I love being home in Wenatchee but there aren't many opportunities, especially socially. So I decided to move to Utah which is closer to friends and sisters, where I could look for jobs, be social, and work on myself.

October 11, 2015

On Monday I tried to start packing but my anxiety was really bad. I couldn't do anything, it was so weird. So I gave up on packing and drove to Chelan to mow the lawn. I was struggling that day.

Tuesday I felt better and was able to get everything done and pack.

On Wednesday I got up early and left for Utah. I've left home so many times before but for some reason it was really hard. I love being home and with my family. It was time though, I was getting too comfortable. So I drove all day and got to Murray in time to play on Kamry's soccer team (sister). I'll be living with her. It will be good for me to be social, to be around my sisters, and try to figure out what I want to do next.

October 18, 2015

It's been a good week. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and motivated and not get bored. I've also been sleeping SO bad! I get super anxious at night and can't seem to calm myself down. It's the worst and my eyes are bloodshot every day.

October 31, 2015

HALLOWEEN. Pure joy with my favorite people of all time. Being around loved ones and doing fun things helps me SO much! There is no better remedy than real laughter.

November 1, 2015

Time is flying by and I'm still doing nothing with my life. This week was very up and down and I'm so tired of it. I just want to be done with everything. Monday was hard. I was running errands and just felt terrible about everything. But of course Heavenly Father knew and sent several tender mercies. Allie (friend) called to chat which was great. My dad also randomly called which is rare. He told me he loved me and it really meant a lot to me.

On Wednesday afternoon I had an interview at the MTC for curriculum development. And it went really well! This is the first job that I actually feel totally qualified for and I have actual experience in. Even though I did well in the interview I felt pretty terrible that day. I've never felt so tempted to give up on everything. My whole life I've tried to be good and obedient and follow the Spirit. It's just kind of hard to see the blessings right now. Anyways, I was feeling so down when I got back from Provo, but Maddie (friend) called and asked how I was doing and it was such a tender mercy. I ended up going shopping with her and Amberlee (friend) and it was so great to talk with them. They really care and gave me a big hug, it meant a lot.

November 8, 2015

Today's been a good Sabbath day. I feel so great and I am so thankful. The Lord knows what He's doing and wants me to change and become better. I've never felt so tempted to give up on the Church because life has been really hard and it's hard to see the blessings. But really, I have it so good. I'm content with the life I live and who I am. God has never let me fall and always sends peace, hope, and tender mercies when I feel like I can't do it anymore. It's truly been a humbling and incredible time of life.

November 15, 2015

I don't know what to think or feel right now. Nothing has changed. Nothing is working out. I just keep learning life lessons which are really painful. And I can't sleep at all so right now my eyes are burning.

On Friday afternoon I went to the Salt Lake Temple for Nichole's wedding (friend). Jamie (friend) and I had a little freak-out about marriage but the sealing was so great. After the wedding I finally got a call back from the MTC (after over 3 weeks) and didn't get the job. What the heck. I am so confused/angry/discouraged/tired. I felt so right about that one. I have no idea what to do now. I'm tired of everything and don't want to do this anymore.

I give up on wanting anything. I'm done. I feel like it doesn't even matter what I want, because everything I want doesn't work out. It is so frustrating. So that night I was pretty upset and tried really hard not to be angry with God. Carrie (cousin's wife) sent a really sweet message and reminded me of the lyrics to "Be Still My Soul." Lynsey and Shayla (sisters) invited me to come hang out with them so I did. We chatted, ate junk food, and watched a movie with really attractive men.

As I was driving down to Provo I had a really profound thought. I think I've been tempting God by thinking, "If you love me/care about me, bless me with _____," and that's not how it works. God's love is always there. It relates to what the sealer said at Nichole's wedding: "Live your life in such a way that when you are in need of a blessing you can approach the Lord for your righteousness, not for His mercy." That really struck me, and I think I need to change the way I approach God and ask for blessings.

November 22, 2015

Tuesday was a really hard day, I felt sad and frustrated and discouraged about everything. So I went to the temple. I went with the question of what more I can do to improve my situation and find a direction and stuff. And while in the temple I couldn't think of anything. I feel like I'm doing everything I can, which is the frustrating part. Why is nothing working out? I feel trapped and helpless, and I hate it.

Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment. I told him about my anxiety and sleep problems, and he prescribed something for that. My body is pretty screwed up - I've had headaches and stomachaches all week and no appetite. That night Shayla, Mattie, Kamry, Amberlee, Maddie, and I went kickboxing in Sugarhouse. It felt good to punch something.

December 6, 2015

I felt terrible all weekend and it was really painful to be around my parents and siblings. Lynsey has an awesome new job at Nuskin and she's happily married. Shayla has the college life I always wanted - she's cute and fun, goes on dates all the time, and studies something that's actually practical. Kamry is independent with a good job and group of friends. They all have what I want and I feel like a failure. I held back tears all weekend.

December 13, 2015

I don't understand anything and I'm fighting my hardest not to believe that God is cruel. It's just that every little thing lately feels like it's intentionally meant to hurt me.

NEW YEARS

It's the end of 2015 and I feel terrible about this year. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time and gone backwards in a lot of ways. This year was SO hard and frustrating and I'm glad it's over. I really hope 2016 goes much better.

You Can't Talk Yourself Out of Depression

Move to New York

I moved to New York at the beginning of January 2016 to nanny for the family of my cousin's wife's sister. They have 5 kids and needed help getting kids to all their activities or staying home with the newborn baby. It was a great experience. I loved the family, made some really great friends, and had lots of adventures! Nannying was really flexible which was nice because my health continued to get worse and worse...

January 17, 2016

One day this week I woke up in a panic and freaked out all day. It was terrible. I tried to talk to people. Shayla (sister) called and I texted Nichole (friend). That always helps. I hate my perpetual anxiety - it is the worst feeling and I just want it to go away.

January 31, 2016

I felt so directed and inspired to study Arabic in college. I always knew it wasn't practical but I loved it and trusted that the Lord had some purpose for me in that direction. I feel like I'm losing all my skills and abilities. I can barely focus and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

People always ask me what I want to do with Arabic or what I'm doing with my life in general, and I really wish I could give them an answer. I've never been able to picture my life and it's exhausting when I legitimately have no idea. It makes me feel pretty dumb.

5 Nasty Lies Depression Wants You to Believe

February 7, 2016

This week was rough. I am such a mess. I work so hard each day to keep my faith from dying and to keep moving forward. But each day I feel like I recognize more issues and weaknesses in myself, and it's daunting to think about all the challenges I need to overcome. I feel weak and inadequate and crazy.

All I can say is thank goodness for the friends and family who love and support me. Talking to Allie, Shayla, Kamry, and my mom has been the greatest source of strength to me. I am also continually grateful for the gospel - for a solid foundation to cling onto for dear life. Reading the scriptures, praying, and listening to prophets is my most cherished means of help. Nothing brings more hope and peace than when prophets testify that things will get better and blessings will come.

I've also been reading a lot. Mostly non-fiction stuff that's horribly depressing. Like Anne Frank's "The Diary of a Young Girl" and "Unlikely Warrior: A Jewish Soldier in Hitler's Army," and these actually help me a lot! I have so much to be grateful for and my life is pretty great compared to what so many others have been through.

March 3, 2016

The last few weeks have been the worst yet in dealing with depression. Last Sunday I drove home from church and talked to three different people who all told me about their struggles, heartbreaks, and worries. During the third conversation I was on the verge of tears the whole time. When I hung up the phone I lost it and cried and cried. This giant wave of hopelessness and overwhelming despair came over me. It was suffocating and dark and paralyzing. I just laid in bed and cried, not able to do anything.

I’ve had that feeling before, but to a lesser degree. It is really scary! I HATE it. It is an actual power of darkness and despair, and it is terrifying. I turned on a conference talk trying to disperse the darkness but I just sat there, totally overwhelmed. Finally I texted my mom. She tried to call but I didn’t want to talk. At home my family gathered together and said a prayer for me. I cried more. I am so grateful to have a loving, supportive, faithful family but I also feel bad that I can’t deal with this on my own. I shouldn’t be having these issues, but my family has rallied around me and I will be forever grateful for their prayers, fasting, and encouragement. 

I just don’t want to do life any more. I don’t see the point of all this frustration and hurt and stress. Nothing has gone right in a really long time. It’s been a long time since I felt happy and excited about life. I am not excited at all about the future. I just want to be done. And that’s really scary. 

What to do when you want to quit life

Monday was really terrible too. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot. They stung. My nose hurt. I had a terrible headache. The one saving grace – sunshine! It was a beautiful, sunny day which I needed more than anything. Sunshine automatically makes me feel better. It helps me feel God’s love and warmth. That day I just tried to get through the day. I went outside and hiked the Appalachian Trail (which ran right through my backward).

That night I knew I needed a Priesthood blessing. The dad was out of town but the neighbor came over and gave me the sweetest blessing. I was told that this is just a temporary thing. I will learn from it and be able to help others. That was unbelievably comforting. The Priesthood is incredible. I could not handle this without blessings of peace, comfort, and direction.

I’ve been surprised how depression has affected me physically. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. This week has been terrible. I am SO tired with no energy or motivation. Running has been a real struggle. My body just doesn’t have the energy to go very long. I don’t sleep well and keep waking up drenched in sweat. I have terrible dreams. I have headaches. I feel nauseous all the time but I’m super hungry. It’s the weirdest. 

Depression is so interesting and I don’t really understand it. I wonder how much of it is a mental/chemical illness and how much of it is just Satan. I’ve felt the darkness many times throughout my life, especially on my mission. When I read Joseph Smith’s account of the First Vision I can relate to the dark power he felt before the light appeared. The really hard moments of depression feel like what Joseph described – an actual power, darkness, the temptation to surrender to despair and destruction. I wonder just how connected depression is with Satan. It’s very interesting. 

Starting Therapy

Ever since my diagnosis I've wanted to try counseling. I've heard great things about it but since my life is so transitional and unpredictable, I didn't know if that would happen. While in New York I found a really great new program - Breakthrough - which connects people online to therapists and psychologists and also uses insurance. It's been SO great because I talk to my therapist online and it doesn't matter where I'm living!

March 4, 2016

Today I talked with my therapist, Sandy. She said that I really do have severe depression and anxiety and I should ask my doctor to increase my dosage of antidepressants. She agrees that I’m doing everything I can on my own – the depression is organic and really is my body’s chemicals that are not balanced. That is so weird to me. It’s hard to grasp that this really is a disease that I can’t control. I don’t know if I fully believe it yet but I guess I need to. It’s also a relief knowing that there is something wrong with my body and that I’m doing everything right.

She also said that I need to be around people that know me and encourage me. I thought that I should be able to be confident on my own and not depend on other people for self-esteem. But she said that I need that. I need compliments. I need people to tell me I’m doing great. I need other people to boost my self-esteem. I guess we’re not created to be totally self-reliant. It’s good that I’m confident on my own but I need to find the balance of letting people in to lift me and boost me. 

March 9, 2016

Chasing sunshine. Even in March. 

March 11, 2016

Therapy today went well. We tried to figure out why I’m never content or satisfied which fuels my anxiety. I don’t know when this began. My mom said she first noticed it on my mission. I think I’ve dealt with it longer but I can’t recall specific times or when it started. I know my mission really perpetuated it – I feel like every minute should be productive and that I need to always be doing something meaningful and fulfilling. 

I also struggle with vulnerability. I’ve never felt comfortable totally opening up. During the hardest times of my life I usually have no one to talk to. Like on my mission I couldn’t just call home when I had a hard day. So I’ve just gotten used to keeping it all inside and turning to God for peace and comfort instead of turning to people. I’ve always been a really strong, independent person so maybe my pride gets in the way of admitting my struggles to people. I strive to be perfect, so it’s hard letting people see my personal struggles, doubts, and fears. I don’t like feeling weak and discouraged. I hate being frustrated and confused. I want to be the strong person.

Today I also went to a doctor and she changed my medication to Paroxetine/Paxil. We'll see if that changes anything. 

March 18, 2016

I had therapy today and it was quite painful. It hurts to openly acknowledge and face my weaknesses. I don’t like it, but it’s necessary I guess. 

March 30, 2016

Today I had therapy and we talked a lot about making decisions and why it’s so hard for me right now. Literally nothing sounds exciting. I don’t even want a job any more. I’m so tired of being asked what I’m doing with my life and what I want to do. I DON’T CARE. There are a lot of opportunities in DC, my professor has emailed me about some Arabic jobs, I got accepted to do EFY in Palmyra… But I don’t want to do any of them. I have no desire to pursue any of them. And Sandy reassured me that that is because of the depression. She said that the depression has really taken a toll on me, and this isn’t me. I won’t feel adequate and perfectly suited for any job, but I should be feeling ambitious and excited. How I’m feeling right now is not just circumstantial. If it was, I would’ve been able to push through it, like I have in the past.

Right now I know a lot of things in my head, but I don’t feel them. I know people love me, but I don’t really feel it. I know any of my job opportunities would be great, but I don’t feel it. I know God loves me and has a plan for me, but I don’t feel it right now. The depression has numbed me. Sandy says I need to get the medication working and it WILL help. I sure hope so. I don’t want to be stuck like this anymore. I hate this so much.

I’m also really worried because I don’t know if I feel the Spirit any more. I don’t really feel anything. For all my big decisions in the past I’ve relied on the Spirit and my feelings, but now I’m just confused because I feel blah all the time. How am I supposed to make big life decisions right now when I can’t trust the way I feel?

April 1, 2016

Last night was another really hard night. I don’t know why that happens, but some nights the weight of the despair and confusion and heartache is just too much to handle. I feel so trapped. I feel hopeless. I have no desire to keep doing life. I have never been suicidal but I really do understand now why some people don’t want to live any more. I feel it a lot. I would never hurt myself, but many days I just don’t want to deal with life any more. I have nothing to look forward to and I feel so alone. And that really scares me. 

I texted my parents and they gathered as a family to say a prayer for me, which I really appreciate. I make myself talk to my family but they really don’t help much. A lot of times they say, “Read your scriptures and listen to conference talks,” or “Pray.” And I do. But it doesn’t really help. Sometimes it makes it worse. During those really hard times I just feel angry and numb inside and it’s hard to read over and over in the scriptures things like, “Despair cometh because of iniquity,” or “Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land.” 

I have a hard time focusing and feeling anything right now so reading the scriptures sometimes makes me more frustrated. I still do it. I know that it will bless me, but honestly it’s hard. It would be easy just to watch TV and go to bed. But it’s when I’m alone and reading and praying that I feel so sad and hurt and lonely and frustrated. I feel powerless. I don’t know how to change things. I was taught that faith can move mountains and that God hears and answers prayers. I know those things, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt them.

I feel like I’m stuck in this whirlpool where I’m just tossed round and round and keep getting pulled further and further under the water. I’m drowning.  

April 5, 2016

I’ve cried myself to sleep the last few nights. I feel pinned down in every way, and I don’t feel any hope for things to change or improve. It’s been so long. I hate that I can’t help thinking about the things I really want. It hurts so much to want things that I don’t have and can’t have. I want so badly to feel wanted somewhere and to contribute to the things I really care about. I feel like there’s so much going on in this world that I want to be a part of, but I’m not. I want to use Arabic and do some good in this world. I want to be independent. I want to live somewhere and decorate my own wall. I want to stop living out of a suitcase. I want to be in a relationship. I want someone to talk to and hug. I want someone to love and I want someone to love me. I want to be social and do fun things. I want a life. 

This week I also went to a doctor about my really bad stomach pain and nausea. I did an abdominal ultrasound, breath test, and blood work. Some days it's so bad that all I do is lay in bed. 

April 8, 2016

This week I feel alright. Well, actually I don’t really feel anything. I’m afraid that I’ve gotten used to feeling lifeless and alone and blah – it’s just becoming normal. One thing that I want to better learn how to deal with is how to have hopes and desires without always being disappointed. I can’t seem to control what I really want and what I get excited about. But then I just get crushed every time something doesn’t work out, and I’m tired of feeling that way. I hate being disappointed, but how do I control my hopes and dreams and desires? Or how do I deal with disappointment when it seems to happen all the time? Nothing ever works out and nothing ever changes. 

This week I’ve really tried to work on mindfulness, and it is really hard! I get so distracted by thoughts and memories and ideas. I go into auto-pilot mode all the time. I’ve tried to be mindful during a few daily routines: showering and eating. It’s crazy how quickly I become distracted. I’m trying to really be in the moment and feel what’s happening to me rather than just thinking about it. I’ve also been doing the body scan each day, and I really like it. Often I get tired and start to fall asleep but it feels good to go through each part of my body and recognize what I’m sensing. It’s very refreshing and reminds me that I’m alive.  

My therapist recommended cognitive therapy so I found this workbook that I really like. It focuses on mindfulness, grounding, and recognizing thought processes, which is what I refer to above. 

April 16, 2016

Tender mercy: my cousin Mattie came to visit! We played all day in NYC and it was SO FUN! 

We are so similar in so many ways. It is also so refreshing to be with someone who really knows me and what I'm going through, and I don't have to explain myself to. I told her all about my recent struggles and awkward dating experiences and health problems. Real conversations are so important to me. Especially since I didn't know anyone in New York before moving here, and my life is pretty isolated right now. This weekend was such a blessing. 

April 20, 2016

The last few days have been really hard. More than anything I feel angry. I’m mad at God, even though I’m trying so hard not to be. I hate the situation that I’m in; it’s not getting any better and I don’t foresee anything changing. In my mindfulness workbook I’m supposed to recognize pleasant experiences throughout the day which has actually been really sad – I don’t really have pleasant experiences. I never feel happy. I go through the day and I make myself do things, but I don’t really feel anything. I just feel dead and numb and angry.

It is so hard not to compare myself to others. I’m trying to be happy for people in my life, but I also get really envious. I want so badly to have a life and to belong somewhere. When is it my turn?

I hate everything. I’m trying not to live in the past but I hate my current situation and I have nothing to hope for or look forward to. I don’t want to do this anymore.

When You're Mad at God 

April 25, 2016

Today I talked to Sandy about this weird mood that I get into. Some days I just feel so disconnected from everything. It takes me so much energy to be present and participate in whatever is going on. For example, on Saturday I went to the Yankees game with some friends. I just felt so out of it and I had to force myself to chat and be engaged in what was going on. It was exhausting and I just felt so weird. I have felt it many times throughout my life and I’ve never known why it happens and what to do about it. Because I know it’s not me – I do like being around people and I’m a fun person. I like to be social and goof around.

Sandy told me that this is a clear indication of chemical depression. So apparently I’ve dealt with it for a really long time because I remember having those days in middle school and high school. I felt like that a lot through college too. It’s strange to think about how long I’ve had depression and never knew it. And it’s hard not to feel kind of gypped. I never knew if that was just a bad mood or a sugar hangover or what. Knowing that it was depression all along is really frustrating but also relieving. And all I can do about it is to keep trying to figure out my medication. GAHHH. 

Home Again

As my time in New York came to an end I knew I just needed to move home and get healthy. My body felt like it was dying with nausea, headaches, hot flashes, night sweats, and less and less energy every day. I even turned down several jobs because I felt so paralyzed and sick.

May 8, 2016

I'm home! This weekend was really great. It was Apple Blossom weekend (big parade, family get-together) and I loved seeing lots of family. I'm especially grateful for the sweet aunts and cousins who are so encouraging and loving towards me. They don't pressure me at all and just help me feel loved. Several of them have dealt with depression/anxiety/postpartum/antidepressants so it was so good to talk to them. And there is nothing more refreshing than sunshine, good food, and laughter.

May 12, 2016

Natural therapy today. It was hard to get myself up and out the door, but I'm so glad I did.

May 16, 2016

I’m sitting at home right now and I’ve never felt more dead, exhausted, and unmotivated before.

This isn’t me.

I used to be so self-motivated and active and alive. I used to be so goal-oriented, always pushing myself to do more and be better. I used to be so social and fun and spunky. I feel like I’m totally losing myself and ruining everything I’ve worked for and become.

Depression is terrible. It sucks away your personality and life. It masks your character and questions your identity, faith, and patience. I feel totally lost and broken and destroyed. I don’t even know who I am any more.  

May 22, 2016

Being home is great, but I also feel guilty like ALL the time. 

The other night my whole family was out working in the orchard. I really wanted to go out and help, but I physically couldn't. I felt so tired and numb and dead. I laid on the couch and cried. Eventually I was able to get up, go outside, and help just as they were finishing up.  

My parents are literally always working and I feel so lazy. I really do want to do things, but some days I just can't. It kills me. 

I think it's also confusing for my family because some days or some parts of the day I do feel good. That's the problem - depression is so up and down. I'll feel like doing something one minute, and the next minute I have no desire or energy to do it any more. It's a struggle to do anything! I pretty much force myself to do everything. Whether it's going for a run, hanging out with friends, or going to church, nothing comes easy. My mind and my body fight against everything. It is so exhausting. 

Also, yesterday was really hard. I felt sick all day and just totally overwhelmed and discouraged. I layed on the couch all day and it was pretty miserable. 

6 Real Ways to Help Someone With Depression

May 23, 2016

I went to the doctor today. I really like this doctor, she takes the time to fully understand what I’m going through. She changed my medication to a different class of antidepressants. My previous meds targeted serotonin. I’m now on Effexor which targets different brain chemicals. She said I need to be consistent in taking the meds because I’ll definitely feel it if I skip. She also said it could affect my dizziness and sleep. Great. 

I also talked to Sandy today. It’s so nice to talk to someone outside my world who knows a lot about depression and anxiety. She understands how up and down my life is right now and makes me feel good for the things I can do. She really encouraged me to take all the things I’m learning and experiencing and share them with others (hence, this blog). 

Man, life is tough right now. It is seriously SO hard to get up in the morning. I’ve never had this struggle before but it is terrible. Also it just takes so much effort to do ANYTHING. I got all ready to go on a run this morning and then felt absolutely dead. So I sat on the couch until I felt better, then I was able to go. One minute I’ll want to do something, and the next I’m absolutely exhausted and can’t do it. I also have terrible headaches, making it difficult to concentrate or read or focus. ALSO, I feel nauseous 96% of the time. I never feel like eating anything but I still make myself. That probably affects my energy and dizziness too because I don’t eat as often as I should (especially with hypoglycemia). Man I am such a mess.  

I REALLY hate being lazy and unproductive. This has been the biggest trial of my patience. It is SO hard for me to chill out and let myself get healthy. DAHHHHH. 

May 27, 2016

Yesterday was so weird. I have never slept this much in my entire life. I slept in until 9 or so. Then my mom and I went up to Lake Chelan to clean the cabin. I vacuumed the new part and then sat down on the bed because I felt dizzy. 4 hours later I woke up super confused and disoriented. Then we went home. I felt so bad but I was OUT. And even though I slept so much during the day I was just fine going to sleep at night and didn’t wake up until 9:30 this morning. Ayayay. What is happening to me. Also, I barely ate anything today. I even turned down a Snickers. Something is very wrong. 

May 30, 2016

The last couple days I've actually felt pretty dang good. The nausea is always there but I've had a lot more energy and motivation. And hope. I feel good about life and know everything will be okay. 

June 4, 2016

This week has been A LOT better, and I’ve had much more energy. I definitely feel a difference with this new medication.

It was nice having motivation to get up each morning – I babysat Harlee all week for Sami (friend's sister) and that was a lot of fun but also exhausting. She has a lot of energy and I’m definitely not on her level. But it was good for me to have something to do all week and focus on. She is sure a ray of sunshine.

It’s so hard for me to mentally and emotionally deal with everything on my shoulders though. I feel like I have so many burdens that constantly weigh me down and I don’t know how to relieve them. I’ve read a lot of conference talks and I pray for help, but I can’t seem to let it all go. I’m trying though.

Some days I feel like a bug trapped under a container that’s being held down by a force much greater than my own. No matter how hard I lift I can’t get free. And I’ve been working and lifting for so long that I’m completely exhausted and can’t do it anymore.

I’ve learned that God is not the author of confusion, frustration, and fear. But why don’t those things go away when I’m trying so hard to let God take them? I don’t know what else to do. 

This weekend was great though! I spent lots of time in the sunshine at my favorite place with these sweet little girlies. Nothing better. 

June 5, 2016

So, I've been thinking a lot about how to actually give our burdens to the Lord. Scriptures and talks and testimonies all encourage us to let the Lord take them, but I have a hard time knowing HOW. So many things weigh on my mind ALL the time and it drives me crazy. 

It's not just the depression and terrible health. It's relationships, and self-esteem, and finances. It's feeling out of place all the time while watching everyone else find their place. It's never knowing what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week, next month, or next year. It's struggling to reconcile revelation with reality. It's hating social media but also knowing that it's the one thing that keeps people from totally forgetting about me. It's a continual battle against comparing myself to others. It's being disappointed by possible opportunities, high expectations, and simple hopes over and over and over again. And the dating life... Oh my goodness. So many weird and discouraging experiences that could only ever happen to me. 

It's a million things that I worry and stress and think about all the time.

It is all SO heavy and I feel more weight added to my shoulders each and every day. I've been struggling to know what to do with it and how it get rid of it.  

But today at church a profound thought came to me. It was, "Alyssa, I'm not relieving your burdens, because you're becoming stronger. You can handle this." 

I guess sometimes when we ask God to take away our problems and struggles the answer is no. Why would He take away heavy weights when I'm strong enough to carry them? He's not going to baby me. He's not going to make everything better. But He is going to make me better. And I guess that will have to be okay. 

As I reflect on this last year and everything I've been through, I can definitely say that it's been HELL, and I never want to go back. There is so much I don't know or understand. But there is also so much I do know. 

I know that God loves me and has a plan for me. I know that prayers are heard and answered in some way and at some time. I know that trials are for our learning and growth, they enable us to help others and become more like God. I've been shocked by the people God has placed in my path this last year who I can specifically relate to and help. I'm also amazed at the things I'm learning that have given me a whole new perspective, respect, and reverence.  

I know that faith will never fail, hope is always possible, and God's sunshine always shines.