Living the Dream

The journal continues... 

(for those just joining click on My Story above)

July 25, 2016

Today was actually a good day. Right now I'm sitting at my most favorite place in the world. And I feel peace. As I look back at the cabin with my family doing this and that, I feel so humbled and grateful. Tears form in my eyes as I think about who they are and what they mean to me. As I look at the gorgeous sunset with pink-lined clouds and purple-silhouetted mountains and feel the subtle summer breeze blow my hair, I feel in my heart that God is real and aware of me right now. Everything around me is perfectly peaceful and still, and for the first time in a long time, so is my soul.

July 26, 2016

When I woke up this morning I could barely walk. I have no idea what happened! It feels like my foot got run over by a car and crushed everything inside. I'm laughing as I write this because it's actually really funny how terrible my luck has been. Man, it's always something else. Waking up every day is a terrifying adventure.

I feel like when friends text/call and ask about what I'm doing it probably sounds like my life is pretty great. All I do is sleep, chill with the fam, swim, pick fruit, play with babies, paddle board, and lay out in the sun. It sounds like I'm living the dream. But it's actually REALLY hard for me! I hate it.

I hate being useless and lazy and boring. I hate not having a job or school or some kind of purpose. I hate not feeling needed anywhere. I hate seeing life pass me by. I hate feeling out of place and judged and alone all the time. I hate being sick to my stomach without anyone knowing. I hate it all.

I know that I'm doing my best though, I think. At least I'm trying. I'm trying really hard to "get healthy." I'm trying medications, therapy, exercise, diet, essential oils, cognitive therapy, and spiritual healing. I'm trying to love and serve those around me right now. I'm trying to improve and learn and grow. I'm trying to be here and appreciate the people and moments of each day. But I'm also trying to make plans for the future. I really am trying.

July 29, 2016

These are the questions I'm working through right now:

1. How do I actually access the power of the Atonement and feel Jesus Christ in my life? The gospel teaches that Christ suffered all alone so that we don't have to. He suffered everything so that "he may know... how to succor his people according to their infirmities." But how do I access that? I don't feel Him. I don't feel the power of Christ in my life even though I really want to. I've felt it before. Especially on my mission I recognized very specific and personal blessings of the Atonement in my challenges. But now, during my hardest personal trial yet, I don't feel it. I pray for it. I live worthy of it. I study the Atonement and the life of Christ. But on the really hard days I feel entirely alone and forgotten and ignored. I don't feel any "succor." I don't feel Christ with me at all. What do I do?

2. How is depression fair in God's plan? How can there be an exception to God's promises? I am promised that if I keep the commandments I'll be blessed and happy. I am promised that if I follow Christ I won't have to walk in darkness. I am promised so many things in the gospel. But why is there an exception to those blessings for a "chemical imbalance?" Because I am not happy. And I feel darkness all the time.

3. How do I know if I believe something? I have no idea what I believe anymore.

July 31, 2016

I did a lot of fun things this week - Lake Chelan, Gig Harbor, Watershed Music Festival. Man, if there's anyone that can make me feel loved and good about myself, it's the Callahans (cousins). Visiting them was awesome and a change of scenery was much needed.

Health Status: I still get stomach aches a lot but my nausea and lack of appetite is better. I've been sleeping alright - but now I have CRAZY dreams so when I wake up I can't go back to sleep because they freak me out and I think about them all day long. My energy is getting better. My anxiety is getting worse. I hate being alone and making even minor decisions is really hard for me. I feel jaded with everything and force myself to do anything. More than anything I am extremely frustrated with myself.

August 1, 2016

I went to the doctor this morning and it was kind of a disheartening appointment. She's not sure why nothing is working and what to do next. She literally said, "I don't know what to tell you." Awesome. But she added another medication in addition to Effexor called Wellbutrin. I also went to get more blood drawn and she ordered lab work to look at some different hormones. She wants me to see a psychiatrist to make sure this really is a mental health problem and not something else. Man, I never thought I'd be seeing a psychiatrist! What has my life come to. I scheduled an appointment a few months ago but it's not until November (that's how long the wait is)! Stuuuupid. But there are some other private options that we're going to try when we get back from Utah. This is just so fun.

August 7, 2016

This week was awesome, we went to Utah for a family reunion.

I saw some good friends.

I slept in a horse trailer. 

I went trail riding.

I fell in love. 

(with a camera)

I was really anxious about going to Utah - I feel like it's the land of all my insecurities. But it was a good week for the most part. I couldn't sleep AT ALL. Whenever I do something out of the ordinary I get super anxious and can't sleep at night. And that just affects everything else.

Oh! I also went and saw my Mission President and his wife and I'm so glad I did. We chatted for quite a while and I asked him some of my questions - how to get through hard times without losing faith, how to access the Atonement, and how to have hope. We had a great conversation. I loved a scripture he shared, D&C 50:2-3,5:

"Behold, verily I say unto you, that there are many spirits which are false spirits, which have gone forth in the earth, deceiving the world.
"And also Satan hath sought to deceive you, that he might overthrow you.
"But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life."

Mortality is tough and Satan is real. But I've just gotta hang on and keep doing the things I know I should do and never give up. So many days I legitimately want to give up, to quit everything and stop thinking and feeling. But I don't know how to give up. It's not in my nature.

Someone asked me why recently; why I keep doing and trying and fighting. And I think it's because of the innate seed of faith placed deep within my soul. God has given me the gift of faith and somehow it can never be extinguished no matter what. I know so many things deep within me, and my faith holds those things safe even though I have been pushed and pulled to the edge of my limits day after day.  

But today and always, I choose faith.

August 8, 2016

I'm tired of being sick. Today I just wanted to die.

But I think I had a flash of revelation as we were driving home from Utah yesterday. I was reading an article about hormone imbalances and one of the paragraphs mentioned cortisol and how it can throw you off. I suddenly remembered that while at BYU I was part of a study in my Arabic group that correlated stress levels with language learning. We had to measure our blood pressure during tests and give hair samples to measure our cortisol. Well, I remember my professor contacting me because I had high levels of cortisol, and he asked all about how I was able to manage stress and do well despite my natural indicators.

Anyways, I looked up symptoms of high cortisol and it was SPOT ON. Like every random health problem I've had is a symptom of high cortisol:

1. You're not sleeping well. Even if you're tired all day you get a second wind right around bedtime. Then you toss and turn all night and feel tired again the next day. YUP.
2. Even when you sleep well, you're still tired. CHECK.
3. You catch colds and other infections easily. I SWEAR I'VE HAD A COLD ALL YEAR.
4. You crave unhealthy foods. ALL I WANT IS MAC & CHEESE AND CANDY.
5. You experience backaches and headaches. ALL THE TIME.
6. Your gut acts up. You might experience nausea or abdominal cramps. I'VE BEEN NAUSEOUS FOR FREAKING EVER.
7. You feel anxious. ALWAYS.
8. You feel blue, leading to depression. UH HUH.
9. Muscle weakness. SOO WEAK.
10. Cognitive difficulties, decreased concentration, and impaired memory. ALL OF THE ABOVE.
11. Severe fatigue. DEFINITELY.
12. Blood sugar dysregulation. HELLO HYPOGLYCEMIA.

This HAS to be the root of all my problems!

Anyways, I called my doctor today and told her everything. She ordered a lab test that I'll do tomorrow. I really hope this is an answer.

August 14, 2016

This week was pretty good. We had lots of family in town for the reunion. I'm used to tons of people, but even I got a little overwhelmed. There were so many people and so many kiddos running around and it was crazy!

I love my family. Our reunions are the perfect mix of chaotic, dangerous fun and spiritual, uplifting togetherness. But by the end I was pretty drained and all talked out. That's why I write about stuff - trying to explain my life is just way too hard.

The reunion was great though. So many people care about me, and I appreciate them so much.

August 17, 2016

Tonight I went to Institute for the first time in a while, and it made me feel kind of terrible. We read and discussed Elder Holland's talk "Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders Among You." It made me feel so angry and I can't explain why. I feel like I've been praying and working and hoping for "tomorrow" for SO long. And it never comes. Every day is the same torturous hell that I can't escape. And on the outside my life probably looks great. But on the inside I am seriously dying.

I feel powerless. I feel like nothing I do or want matters. And I feel like God doesn't care.

People try to encourage me all the time. My parents try to help. But no one will ever understand how deeply I've been hurt this past year and how much pain and heartache and anger and frustration I've carried.

In my mind I know all the things you're supposed to tell people who are struggling. "It will all work out." "God loves you and has a plan for you." "You're not alone." "You have so much to be grateful for, focus on the good." Yada yada yada. But right now I hate everything and I don't want to hear any of that. I'm angry about things so deep and personal that I'll never be able to adequately explain. I'm broken in every way possible. And I think it's okay to let myself be mad right now. I don't need to keep sugar-coating life like I always have. I don't need to pretend to be okay. Because I'm definitely not.

August 18, 2016

This morning was the WORST. I don't think I really slept at all because I have really deep burns on my elbows that hurt all night. They must be from tubing. But I was fine while boating and I have never gotten burns this deep and this painful before. Anyways, I finally decided to get out of bed at like 6:30 am. But then I had excruciating pain on my foot and couldn't walk. I've had this callous on my toe since like high school soccer, but today it decided to swell up and hurt like a mother. So I hobbled down the stairs with tears streaming down my face, and I was so mad. Today was the day Mattie and I had planned to hike to Colchuck Lake, and we've been planning it for a long time. I really wanted to go.

So I was sitting on the couch watching Olympics with both elbows wrapped and my foot soaking in solution. I was in the worst mood. But then the thought of sitting there all day seemed much worse than the thought of wrapping my toe, squeezing my shoe on, and hobbling up the mountain. So I decided to go anyways. And I definitely limped the entire 8 miles. But I needed to go, for myself. And to slap my horribly bad luck in the face.

August 22, 2016

This weekend was rough. Physically, I'm dying. I also heard back from the lab and my cortisol levels came back normal (WHAT?!). I still think that's what's wrong with me, but I don't know what to do now. I was really hoping that was an answer so I could treat it and feel better. Dang it! I was pretty upset about it because I was really hanging on to that hope. But at the same time I'm so used to nothing working out. So whatever.

My doctor wants to refer me to an endocrinologist to look into the cortisol thing more. But my appointment isn't until DECEMBER 30! I cannot wait that long so I'll have to go to Seattle or somewhere else. I'm just so annoyed by how long this process is taking. I am so over it all.

Anyways, this morning I went to a local family service. It's one of my few hopes for seeing a psychiatrist before November. Today I did the intake evaluation which was really long. The guy asked me ALL about my life - siblings, friends, what I did in high school, what I believe, what makes me unique... It was boring. I'm tired of explaining myself and feeling like doctors have no idea what's going on. He ruled out bipolar and PTSD and thinks I have a depressive disorder. But other than that he couldn't pinpoint why.

I feel so numb today. Absolutely dead. The evaluation guy asked me a question which I've been thinking about all day. He said, "What would make you happy right now?" And I couldn't give him an answer. I really don't know. And that makes me so sad. I feel terrible and so far from who I used to be. How did this even happen? I don't know, but I'm in serious need of a miracle.

August 25, 2016

Today I went and saw an LDS counselor. He's based in Spokane but comes here a few times a month. He's my only option for an LDS counselor around here so good thing I liked him. I've talked to a counselor before but we came to a dead end because I don't have any trauma to work through and I already have a lot of good, healthy habits to combat depression. But now we're not even sure if the root of my problems is mental health. Depression is probably just a side effect of something else.

But the reason I want to see an LDS counselor now is because I am just desperate for some kind of relief. I have felt crappy for over a year now and it has totally destroyed me. I get so frustrated and angry by the end of each day and I don't know what to do when I feel that way. I don't know how not to be mad. I don't know how to keep hope.

I try everything I can to maintain a shred of happiness and hope. Lately it's been by eating chocolate and dancing. And watching dance videos. This is one I really love and can relate to lately:

I feel so trapped and it's the worst feeling in the world. I want to get out and do something with my life, but I don't know what or where. I don't want to move somewhere alone but all of my friends are married so I kind of have to do something alone. But my parents don't want me to leave until I get feeling better but doctors don't have any answers and it takes forever to try medications and see specialists and I just keep getting worse even though I'm trying so hard to get better. BLAHHH.

Once again I wish I had some happy news to report. But I don't. 

All I have to say is life is hard so eat what you want and dance like a crazy person. 

And be in the sunshine whenever possible. 

It helps.


This is where my journal ends, for now. I will update as life continues.

Mac & Cheese

The journal continues... 

(For those just joining - click on My Story above)

June 12, 2016

This week has been really up and down. Some days I feel great, other days I feel super crappy. This week was worse than last week and I feel pretty drained right now. I had to turn down another job opportunity which really sucked. Because I wanted it. It sounded like something right up my alley. But it's over near Seattle and I just don't think I'm physically healthy enough to commit to a full-time job right now or start over on my life again. My parents actually encouraged me not to take it. I'm grateful that they've been so understanding and chill while I've been a mess. But I don't know at what point I need to give up on "getting healthy" and just make myself do something with my life. It is so frustrating but I just keep getting sicker. I pretty much force myself to eat anything. Nothing ever sounds good. And I still have very little energy.

People have been so good to me though. I really appreciate the little things. Like a member of the bishopric saying how happy the ward is to have me around. And an uncle calling to see how I'm doing. And friends simply wanting to hang out with me even if we just sit around talking about nothing. It means a lot to me.

June 14, 2016

Today was a hard day. I woke up feeling so dead and heavy and sick to my stomach. I didn't feel like eating anything all day except mac & cheese, weirdly enough. That's the only thing that ever sounds good, so that's pretty much all I eat these days.

I felt so terrible all day so I curled up in a ball on the couch and tried to watch movies. I texted Julia (BYU friend) all day which was really helpful. The best part of my major at school was definitely the people. She was in bed all day too so we commiserated together. She's pregnant though so I feel kind of pathetic. Although some days I feel pregnant too with my nausea and weird cravings. It's funny. Kind of.

I don't know why I feel so sick. I've had testing for other illnesses but nothing has showed up. My doctor said that mental illness can wreak havoc on the whole body and affects everything. It's hard to do anything when I feel so sick.

Tonight I went on a walk with Allie which I needed SO much! Just having someone to talk to and hang out with helps a lot.

The future feels so daunting and I hate thinking about it. I feel like I have a really bad attitude about life right now, but if my life has been this challenging and I'm only in my mid-20s, I don't even want to know what's coming. Why should I be excited for more pain and heartache and struggle? Are the good times actually worth it? I'm not so sure.

June 19, 2016

This week has been really up and down. Wednesday was a really hard day. I felt so down and discouraged and sick. I went to Institute though and the lesson was just what I needed, of course. We talked about Elder Hallstrom's talk, "I Am a Child of God." If I really know and understand what that means, to be a child of God, I think I'll be able to handle my struggles a lot better. So I set a goal that whenever my fears and doubts and discouragements come to mind, I'm just going to reassure myself over and over that I am a child of God. I can trust Him. I can exercise faith that He does care, He does know, and He will bless me. I feel like I have to fight for that testimony each day. Satan works so hard on me to forget that fundamental truth, and I don't want to give him power any more.

Also that night I came home to the sweetest care package from a family in the ward. It was so thoughtful and I don't think I've ever received flowers before! It made my day.

Today was really cool too. Well, part of it. We sat down in church, looked at the program, and realized that Tessa (little sister) was supposed to speak, which she had totally forgotten about! It was hilarious but we were kind of freaking out too. So... I ended up speaking for her and just made up a Father's Day talk on the spot. Funny funny experience. But then after the meeting the Stake President came up to me and handed me a note. He said that the Spirit prompted him so strongly to tell me a few things. It was such a powerful note and a direct answer to prayer (even though it was an answer that I didn't want and I'm actually kind of mad about it). Anyways, it was one of the coolest things I have ever experienced.

I feel good today. I've had energy, I've been present in the moment, and I haven't felt sick. WOOHOO!

June 20, 2016

I feel like I only write when I have bad days, but I do have good days too. Sometimes. Well, I consider good days to be days that I don't feel terrible or have a breakdown or hate life.

Like going to Seattle with Tyler (brother) to watch the Copa America game was a good day.

And hiking and four wheeling with my dad was a good day.

But "good" days are mostly just the days where I block everything out and stay busy doing other things so I don't have to deal with anything.

June 22, 2016

Yesterday was so bad. I don't even want to write about it. I feel like I'm being tortured right now and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm having a really hard time believing in God's love for me, and I don't know if I trust that any more.

June 25, 2016

I am so emotionally dead. I don't feel anything.

But - tender mercies: The other night my uncle Jeff randomly called. He said he had read my blog and has been thinking about me. He just called to see how I was doing and to tell me his family loves and prays for me. It was so sweet and made me feel so good. That night Allie and I sat on her roof and cried and talked for a long time. She has been such an incredible friend and I am so grateful!

Also, yesterday I talked to (a friend) for a few hours. She was recently diagnosed with PTSD after experiencing so many traumatic events, but I can relate to her SO much! It's crazy. A few things I learned:

1. Give yourself 5 minutes of total alone time and silence each day solely to think about God's love for you
2. It's okay to focus on you for a while, you can say no to things
3. Trust in God's plan, He is a God of miracles

June 27, 2016

I went to the doctor's today and she doubled the dosage of my meds. She asked how I feel on a scale of 0-100% and I honestly have no idea. I don't remember what "normal" is or how I'm supposed to feel. But here goes another 5 weeks of trying medications that don't seem to work...

July 1, 2016

This week was actually pretty good. I babysat my cousin's 2-month-old baby, Brooks, for the entire week (night & day). It was a lot of work and tiring at times but also really fun! It was great having a little buddy with me all the time. There is something really spiritual about holding a baby and seeing them look into your eyes as if they can see past everything else and only see your soul. I loved spending so much time with him.

Also one night this week I was sitting out on the front steps watching the sunset and I felt content for the first time in a long time. I'm doing my best and I don't need to be more of anything right now. My life is what it is, for now, and I'm okay with that.

July 5, 2016

This weekend was really great. My 3 sisters who are living in Utah came to visit! They also brought my best friend Heidi with them and it was a party! I was exhausted and fought against my lack of energy, but for the most part I felt pretty good and was able to spend good quality time with them. We were weird and annoying and loud, and it felt so great.

All of them asked if I've lost weight. I don't know? I don't eat much but when I do all I eat is mac & cheese, ice cream, and candy. I rarely have an appetite. I also don't exercise much at all so I'm getting super weak. It's the worst.

On Sunday night for FHE I gave the lesson. It's our tradition to go around and say what you love about the person who gave the lesson afterwards. I was really humbled to hear from my siblings and friends what they think of me. I must be doing better than I think I am because I don't feel like I'm handling this whole situation well at all. It was especially humbling to hear my mom say that since I've been home, she actually understands why I would give up and "jump ship," but she's amazed that I've held on to my faith and haven't. For some reason that meant A LOT to me.

Another month has come and gone and I feel like I'm making zero progress. The hardest thing is to be patient and kind with myself. I am so eager to get feeling better and get on with my life, but that's just not happening as quickly as I would like. So many things don't make any sense to me and the most basic parts of my testimony are tested every single day - that God is real and isn't trying to be cruel to me, that He cares specifically about me, and hears and answers my prayers. I fight a constant battle to keep choosing faith in those principles every single day despite everything I'm trying to deal with.

July 7, 2016

Bad day. I don't want to do life any more. How do I make this all stop?

This is the lowest I've ever felt. I give up. I have nothing left of me to give.

July 10, 2016

This week has been so rough. I am at the end of my rope. I have no patience left in me and I feel totally destroyed and broken. I don't know what to pray for anymore and my faith is hanging on by its last shred. I have nothing left in me and my strength is at its limit.

I have tried everything I know of.

I can't do it anymore.

July 12, 2016

Goodness gracious when is something actually gonna go right? This last week I haven't been able to sleep well because now my back is killing me. I toss and turn all night and can't get comfortable. I don't know what happened. I mean it's not like I go tubing and wake surfing and four wheeling all the time that could possibly throw out my back... Just kidding I do.

Also I've been super dizzy lately. Pretty much every time I stand up I almost black out. It's probably from the meds and not eating much.

Oh. And back when I first started therapy I was told that my insurance would cover it except for a copay. Well apparently that was wrong. My insurance won't pay for any of it so I just had to pay a whole lot of money for all my previous sessions. SO DUMB. Gahhhhh.

I'm gonna go buy a big bag of Reese's minis right now.

July 17, 2016

This week was fine. I feel dead and exhausted all the time but whatever. Life is just blah-ing by.

I also have a wicked cold for like the 100th time this year.

The weekend was pretty good. It's always great to be around cousins and do fun things. At least that keeps me distracted from worrying about all the things I can't help but worry about. It's so hard for me to find the balance between being content and happy with my current life, but also working and hoping for things to change and improve. I've always been really bad at finding that balance. I'm workin on it.

This whole "mental illness" thing has been so confusing for me. Doctors say it's all chemical but it feels spiritual while also destroying me physically and emotionally. I just don't get it. My faith has been tested like nothing else. But this is my secret to spiritual survival: every night before I go to bed I search on lds.org about a topic that I need that day. Usually it's "trust in God" or "waiting upon the Lord" or "hope." I have found the most incredible talks/speeches/articles that always give me the strength I need to embrace another day.

These are some of my favorites:

1. Do Not Despair - Ezra Taft Benson

"There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you."

"To press on in noble endeavors, even while surrounded by a cloud of depression, will eventually bring you out on top into the sunshine."

2. Trusting God When Things Go Wrong - Todd A. Britsch

3. Waiting Upon the Lord - Henry B. Eyring

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." [Isaiah 40:31]

 4. The Currant Bush - Hugh B. Brown

"God is the gardener here. He knows what He wants you to be."

July 19, 2016

Life is so stupid right now. But these are my recent tender mercies:
1. Teaching with the missionaries! It helps me so much.
2. Little sisters! They hang out with me and help me get stuff done. They're also always up for swimming, going to the movies, or doing crafts. I hate being alone right now so they've been my buddies.

3. Allie and Miles! They are now my neighbors and it's been a huge blessing! Whenever I feel down and discouraged I just walk over and talk to Allie and play with Miles. It's the greatest.

And I finally finished this project for my wall. My bishop encouraged me to make a list of my accomplishments, spiritual experiences, and attributes to remind myself that I'm not a total loser and I have felt God's love and guidance in the past. I ended up turning it into a little craft for my wall. Yay.

So it's pretty obvious how terrible I feel right now. Every aspect of my life has fallen to pieces. I feel bad for only writing about the bad stuff, but hey, this is my journal and this is my life. I'm actually really hesitant to keep posting my journal because it's not very uplifting and probably really sad. I wish I could write about happy things and progress and "a happily ever after." But that's just not gonna happen anytime soon, and I know that. BUT, some good stuff has happened in my life too. Here's my attempt to focus on the good...

Since last summer I have:

1. Spent a lot of time with my family
2. Gotten closer to extended family
3. Done some really fun things like a helicopter ride, roller coasters over Vegas, and living in NY
4. Become so much more open and vulnerable - I mean, I literally opened up my journal to the world
5. Reached mom status - seriously, I am a pro at burping and swaddling and comforting babies. Also, I actually want to be a mom now which I never really have before
6. Written articles for FamilyShare - check em out here
7. Tutored Arabic
8. Read books I've always wanted to read
9. Actually tried to date more
10. Made some great new friends
11. Visited new states
12. Completed some cool projects

Wooot. So I have made some progress and my life hasn't been entirely terrible!

I should probably end on that note so you readers aren't super sad and depressed now.

I am so grateful to YOU for reading this. I hate being so weak and vulnerable and sick but I know that we become better and closer as we let people into our lives and struggles. I've had to heavily rely on others' light through this dark part of my life, so thank you for your sunshine. 

My Story

My name is Alyssa and I really really love sunshine.

It makes me happy and helps me feel God's love.

Many things in my life provide me with inner sunshine: a relationship with Jesus Christ, friends, family, prayer, laughter, and service. My life has been so great. I grew up in Wenatchee, WA. I am second oldest of 8 kids. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I studied Middle East Studies & Arabic at BYU. I served an LDS mission in Palmyra, NY. I love anything athletic, creative, or adventurous.

About nine months ago I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I never thought I would have to deal with mental illness; it was very shocking and humbling. This last year has been extremely difficult trying to trudge through storms of torrential downpour and chase the sunshine.

My depression is completely chemical. I've never experienced trauma or abuse or toxic relationships. For some reason my body simply doesn't produce the chemicals it needs to stay motivated, energized, and happy. I've worked hard throughout my life to mask the symptoms, but it's progressively worsened and everything collided and crashed down this last year. I have all sorts of weaknesses that don't help the depression, and big life changes have worsened it, but really my depression has been completely out of my control.

Ever since my diagnosis I have kept a journal of thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I never intended to share them so they are very personal and honest (and only a tiny bit edited). 

My hope is that this blog will illustrate that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel weak and broken and hurt. It's okay to deal with mental illness, and it's okay to get help. But it's never okay to give up and lose faith in a loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

Diagnosis & Realization

I graduated from BYU in the spring of 2015. Following graduation nothing really felt right and I didn't know what direction to go in, so I decided to move home and take a break. I lived in Wenatchee all summer, spending time with family and trying to make a plan. But my health started declining and I slowly lost all motivation and ambition. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus. I felt dead. This is when I first realized something was seriously wrong. 

September 6, 2015

I've had so many things bothering me (excessive thirst, dizziness, fatigue, headaches, no energy, not sleeping well, etc.) and it was finally time to figure it out. So I gave in and went to a doctor. I've been tested for diabetes before because of my weird symptoms. I've also thought that maybe I have some autoimmune disorder or something messing with my hormones.

But as I was explaining everything to the doctor I had this weird moment where I thought, "Oh my goodness, I just said exactly what my friend told me about his mental health stuff." As she was explaining some of the possibilities she mentioned depression/anxiety and all of a sudden I knew that's exactly what I have.

But I went to the clinic to get lab work and an EKG. I knew that it would all come back fine and that I had depression. It totally makes sense, I just never recognized it before. Pretty crazy. It's kind of a relief that something is wrong and I can get help. But that day was rough just dealing with the realization that I most likely have a mental illness. I never ever thought this would happen to me.

September 20, 2015

Thursday was a rough day for some reason. Sometimes the weight of everything is a little too heavy. I feel despair. Nothing seems to be going right and it's hard to maintain hope. That evening I wrote on my blog about God's plan because I needed the reminder.

Also that day I sat down and made a list of all my unrealistic expectations, which has probably fueled my depression. I have so many! It was crazy. I guess I've been hurting myself for a long time and I've never realized it.

Friday was also a hard day. I felt emotionally exhausted and total despair and loneliness. I cried a lot. It was the worst. So I texted Shayla (my sister) and she called and we talked about everything and I cried to her and talked things over. She was an angel that day.

September 27, 2015

This week has been good - I feel so much better and I've been able to stay busy which is such a blessing!

On Friday afternoon I drove with my mom and dad to Seattle. First we saw my grandma and then we did a session at the temple and it was so great. Bonus of my anxiety: I stay awake the whole time! I just love the temple and feel such peace there.

On Saturday night we went to the stake center to watch the women's broadcast and it was awesome! I usually don't love those conferences but this one was great and I loved every talk, especially President Uchtdorf's. One line was particularly meaningful when he said you can't talk your way out of depression. I wish I could, and that's what I've been trying to do for a long time. But I can't do it alone - I need help.

October 4, 2015

Monday afternoon I had a doctor's appointment. I filled out a survey and was diagnosed with moderate major depression and anxiety. It's so weird to me that I have depression, but it's a huge relief knowing that there is something wrong and I can get help. So she prescribed an antidepressant (Citalopram/Celexa) which I started a few days later. I'm really eager to get better, I hope it works!

Move to Utah

I love being home in Wenatchee but there aren't many opportunities, especially socially. So I decided to move to Utah which is closer to friends and sisters, where I could look for jobs, be social, and work on myself.

October 11, 2015

On Monday I tried to start packing but my anxiety was really bad. I couldn't do anything, it was so weird. So I gave up on packing and drove to Chelan to mow the lawn. I was struggling that day.

Tuesday I felt better and was able to get everything done and pack.

On Wednesday I got up early and left for Utah. I've left home so many times before but for some reason it was really hard. I love being home and with my family. It was time though, I was getting too comfortable. So I drove all day and got to Murray in time to play on Kamry's soccer team (sister). I'll be living with her. It will be good for me to be social, to be around my sisters, and try to figure out what I want to do next.

October 18, 2015

It's been a good week. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and motivated and not get bored. I've also been sleeping SO bad! I get super anxious at night and can't seem to calm myself down. It's the worst and my eyes are bloodshot every day.

October 31, 2015

HALLOWEEN. Pure joy with my favorite people of all time. Being around loved ones and doing fun things helps me SO much! There is no better remedy than real laughter.

November 1, 2015

Time is flying by and I'm still doing nothing with my life. This week was very up and down and I'm so tired of it. I just want to be done with everything. Monday was hard. I was running errands and just felt terrible about everything. But of course Heavenly Father knew and sent several tender mercies. Allie (friend) called to chat which was great. My dad also randomly called which is rare. He told me he loved me and it really meant a lot to me.

On Wednesday afternoon I had an interview at the MTC for curriculum development. And it went really well! This is the first job that I actually feel totally qualified for and I have actual experience in. Even though I did well in the interview I felt pretty terrible that day. I've never felt so tempted to give up on everything. My whole life I've tried to be good and obedient and follow the Spirit. It's just kind of hard to see the blessings right now. Anyways, I was feeling so down when I got back from Provo, but Maddie (friend) called and asked how I was doing and it was such a tender mercy. I ended up going shopping with her and Amberlee (friend) and it was so great to talk with them. They really care and gave me a big hug, it meant a lot.

November 8, 2015

Today's been a good Sabbath day. I feel so great and I am so thankful. The Lord knows what He's doing and wants me to change and become better. I've never felt so tempted to give up on the Church because life has been really hard and it's hard to see the blessings. But really, I have it so good. I'm content with the life I live and who I am. God has never let me fall and always sends peace, hope, and tender mercies when I feel like I can't do it anymore. It's truly been a humbling and incredible time of life.

November 15, 2015

I don't know what to think or feel right now. Nothing has changed. Nothing is working out. I just keep learning life lessons which are really painful. And I can't sleep at all so right now my eyes are burning.

On Friday afternoon I went to the Salt Lake Temple for Nichole's wedding (friend). Jamie (friend) and I had a little freak-out about marriage but the sealing was so great. After the wedding I finally got a call back from the MTC (after over 3 weeks) and didn't get the job. What the heck. I am so confused/angry/discouraged/tired. I felt so right about that one. I have no idea what to do now. I'm tired of everything and don't want to do this anymore.

I give up on wanting anything. I'm done. I feel like it doesn't even matter what I want, because everything I want doesn't work out. It is so frustrating. So that night I was pretty upset and tried really hard not to be angry with God. Carrie (cousin's wife) sent a really sweet message and reminded me of the lyrics to "Be Still My Soul." Lynsey and Shayla (sisters) invited me to come hang out with them so I did. We chatted, ate junk food, and watched a movie with really attractive men.

As I was driving down to Provo I had a really profound thought. I think I've been tempting God by thinking, "If you love me/care about me, bless me with _____," and that's not how it works. God's love is always there. It relates to what the sealer said at Nichole's wedding: "Live your life in such a way that when you are in need of a blessing you can approach the Lord for your righteousness, not for His mercy." That really struck me, and I think I need to change the way I approach God and ask for blessings.

November 22, 2015

Tuesday was a really hard day, I felt sad and frustrated and discouraged about everything. So I went to the temple. I went with the question of what more I can do to improve my situation and find a direction and stuff. And while in the temple I couldn't think of anything. I feel like I'm doing everything I can, which is the frustrating part. Why is nothing working out? I feel trapped and helpless, and I hate it.

Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment. I told him about my anxiety and sleep problems, and he prescribed something for that. My body is pretty screwed up - I've had headaches and stomachaches all week and no appetite. That night Shayla, Mattie, Kamry, Amberlee, Maddie, and I went kickboxing in Sugarhouse. It felt good to punch something.

December 6, 2015

I felt terrible all weekend and it was really painful to be around my parents and siblings. Lynsey has an awesome new job at Nuskin and she's happily married. Shayla has the college life I always wanted - she's cute and fun, goes on dates all the time, and studies something that's actually practical. Kamry is independent with a good job and group of friends. They all have what I want and I feel like a failure. I held back tears all weekend.

December 13, 2015

I don't understand anything and I'm fighting my hardest not to believe that God is cruel. It's just that every little thing lately feels like it's intentionally meant to hurt me.

NEW YEARS

It's the end of 2015 and I feel terrible about this year. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time and gone backwards in a lot of ways. This year was SO hard and frustrating and I'm glad it's over. I really hope 2016 goes much better.

You Can't Talk Yourself Out of Depression

Move to New York

I moved to New York at the beginning of January 2016 to nanny for the family of my cousin's wife's sister. They have 5 kids and needed help getting kids to all their activities or staying home with the newborn baby. It was a great experience. I loved the family, made some really great friends, and had lots of adventures! Nannying was really flexible which was nice because my health continued to get worse and worse...

January 17, 2016

One day this week I woke up in a panic and freaked out all day. It was terrible. I tried to talk to people. Shayla (sister) called and I texted Nichole (friend). That always helps. I hate my perpetual anxiety - it is the worst feeling and I just want it to go away.

January 31, 2016

I felt so directed and inspired to study Arabic in college. I always knew it wasn't practical but I loved it and trusted that the Lord had some purpose for me in that direction. I feel like I'm losing all my skills and abilities. I can barely focus and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

People always ask me what I want to do with Arabic or what I'm doing with my life in general, and I really wish I could give them an answer. I've never been able to picture my life and it's exhausting when I legitimately have no idea. It makes me feel pretty dumb.

5 Nasty Lies Depression Wants You to Believe

February 7, 2016

This week was rough. I am such a mess. I work so hard each day to keep my faith from dying and to keep moving forward. But each day I feel like I recognize more issues and weaknesses in myself, and it's daunting to think about all the challenges I need to overcome. I feel weak and inadequate and crazy.

All I can say is thank goodness for the friends and family who love and support me. Talking to Allie, Shayla, Kamry, and my mom has been the greatest source of strength to me. I am also continually grateful for the gospel - for a solid foundation to cling onto for dear life. Reading the scriptures, praying, and listening to prophets is my most cherished means of help. Nothing brings more hope and peace than when prophets testify that things will get better and blessings will come.

I've also been reading a lot. Mostly non-fiction stuff that's horribly depressing. Like Anne Frank's "The Diary of a Young Girl" and "Unlikely Warrior: A Jewish Soldier in Hitler's Army," and these actually help me a lot! I have so much to be grateful for and my life is pretty great compared to what so many others have been through.

March 3, 2016

The last few weeks have been the worst yet in dealing with depression. Last Sunday I drove home from church and talked to three different people who all told me about their struggles, heartbreaks, and worries. During the third conversation I was on the verge of tears the whole time. When I hung up the phone I lost it and cried and cried. This giant wave of hopelessness and overwhelming despair came over me. It was suffocating and dark and paralyzing. I just laid in bed and cried, not able to do anything.

I’ve had that feeling before, but to a lesser degree. It is really scary! I HATE it. It is an actual power of darkness and despair, and it is terrifying. I turned on a conference talk trying to disperse the darkness but I just sat there, totally overwhelmed. Finally I texted my mom. She tried to call but I didn’t want to talk. At home my family gathered together and said a prayer for me. I cried more. I am so grateful to have a loving, supportive, faithful family but I also feel bad that I can’t deal with this on my own. I shouldn’t be having these issues, but my family has rallied around me and I will be forever grateful for their prayers, fasting, and encouragement. 

I just don’t want to do life any more. I don’t see the point of all this frustration and hurt and stress. Nothing has gone right in a really long time. It’s been a long time since I felt happy and excited about life. I am not excited at all about the future. I just want to be done. And that’s really scary. 

What to do when you want to quit life

Monday was really terrible too. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot. They stung. My nose hurt. I had a terrible headache. The one saving grace – sunshine! It was a beautiful, sunny day which I needed more than anything. Sunshine automatically makes me feel better. It helps me feel God’s love and warmth. That day I just tried to get through the day. I went outside and hiked the Appalachian Trail (which ran right through my backward).

That night I knew I needed a Priesthood blessing. The dad was out of town but the neighbor came over and gave me the sweetest blessing. I was told that this is just a temporary thing. I will learn from it and be able to help others. That was unbelievably comforting. The Priesthood is incredible. I could not handle this without blessings of peace, comfort, and direction.

I’ve been surprised how depression has affected me physically. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. This week has been terrible. I am SO tired with no energy or motivation. Running has been a real struggle. My body just doesn’t have the energy to go very long. I don’t sleep well and keep waking up drenched in sweat. I have terrible dreams. I have headaches. I feel nauseous all the time but I’m super hungry. It’s the weirdest. 

Depression is so interesting and I don’t really understand it. I wonder how much of it is a mental/chemical illness and how much of it is just Satan. I’ve felt the darkness many times throughout my life, especially on my mission. When I read Joseph Smith’s account of the First Vision I can relate to the dark power he felt before the light appeared. The really hard moments of depression feel like what Joseph described – an actual power, darkness, the temptation to surrender to despair and destruction. I wonder just how connected depression is with Satan. It’s very interesting. 

Starting Therapy

Ever since my diagnosis I've wanted to try counseling. I've heard great things about it but since my life is so transitional and unpredictable, I didn't know if that would happen. While in New York I found a really great new program - Breakthrough - which connects people online to therapists and psychologists and also uses insurance. It's been SO great because I talk to my therapist online and it doesn't matter where I'm living!

March 4, 2016

Today I talked with my therapist, Sandy. She said that I really do have severe depression and anxiety and I should ask my doctor to increase my dosage of antidepressants. She agrees that I’m doing everything I can on my own – the depression is organic and really is my body’s chemicals that are not balanced. That is so weird to me. It’s hard to grasp that this really is a disease that I can’t control. I don’t know if I fully believe it yet but I guess I need to. It’s also a relief knowing that there is something wrong with my body and that I’m doing everything right.

She also said that I need to be around people that know me and encourage me. I thought that I should be able to be confident on my own and not depend on other people for self-esteem. But she said that I need that. I need compliments. I need people to tell me I’m doing great. I need other people to boost my self-esteem. I guess we’re not created to be totally self-reliant. It’s good that I’m confident on my own but I need to find the balance of letting people in to lift me and boost me. 

March 9, 2016

Chasing sunshine. Even in March. 

March 11, 2016

Therapy today went well. We tried to figure out why I’m never content or satisfied which fuels my anxiety. I don’t know when this began. My mom said she first noticed it on my mission. I think I’ve dealt with it longer but I can’t recall specific times or when it started. I know my mission really perpetuated it – I feel like every minute should be productive and that I need to always be doing something meaningful and fulfilling. 

I also struggle with vulnerability. I’ve never felt comfortable totally opening up. During the hardest times of my life I usually have no one to talk to. Like on my mission I couldn’t just call home when I had a hard day. So I’ve just gotten used to keeping it all inside and turning to God for peace and comfort instead of turning to people. I’ve always been a really strong, independent person so maybe my pride gets in the way of admitting my struggles to people. I strive to be perfect, so it’s hard letting people see my personal struggles, doubts, and fears. I don’t like feeling weak and discouraged. I hate being frustrated and confused. I want to be the strong person.

Today I also went to a doctor and she changed my medication to Paroxetine/Paxil. We'll see if that changes anything. 

March 18, 2016

I had therapy today and it was quite painful. It hurts to openly acknowledge and face my weaknesses. I don’t like it, but it’s necessary I guess. 

March 30, 2016

Today I had therapy and we talked a lot about making decisions and why it’s so hard for me right now. Literally nothing sounds exciting. I don’t even want a job any more. I’m so tired of being asked what I’m doing with my life and what I want to do. I DON’T CARE. There are a lot of opportunities in DC, my professor has emailed me about some Arabic jobs, I got accepted to do EFY in Palmyra… But I don’t want to do any of them. I have no desire to pursue any of them. And Sandy reassured me that that is because of the depression. She said that the depression has really taken a toll on me, and this isn’t me. I won’t feel adequate and perfectly suited for any job, but I should be feeling ambitious and excited. How I’m feeling right now is not just circumstantial. If it was, I would’ve been able to push through it, like I have in the past.

Right now I know a lot of things in my head, but I don’t feel them. I know people love me, but I don’t really feel it. I know any of my job opportunities would be great, but I don’t feel it. I know God loves me and has a plan for me, but I don’t feel it right now. The depression has numbed me. Sandy says I need to get the medication working and it WILL help. I sure hope so. I don’t want to be stuck like this anymore. I hate this so much.

I’m also really worried because I don’t know if I feel the Spirit any more. I don’t really feel anything. For all my big decisions in the past I’ve relied on the Spirit and my feelings, but now I’m just confused because I feel blah all the time. How am I supposed to make big life decisions right now when I can’t trust the way I feel?

April 1, 2016

Last night was another really hard night. I don’t know why that happens, but some nights the weight of the despair and confusion and heartache is just too much to handle. I feel so trapped. I feel hopeless. I have no desire to keep doing life. I have never been suicidal but I really do understand now why some people don’t want to live any more. I feel it a lot. I would never hurt myself, but many days I just don’t want to deal with life any more. I have nothing to look forward to and I feel so alone. And that really scares me. 

I texted my parents and they gathered as a family to say a prayer for me, which I really appreciate. I make myself talk to my family but they really don’t help much. A lot of times they say, “Read your scriptures and listen to conference talks,” or “Pray.” And I do. But it doesn’t really help. Sometimes it makes it worse. During those really hard times I just feel angry and numb inside and it’s hard to read over and over in the scriptures things like, “Despair cometh because of iniquity,” or “Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land.” 

I have a hard time focusing and feeling anything right now so reading the scriptures sometimes makes me more frustrated. I still do it. I know that it will bless me, but honestly it’s hard. It would be easy just to watch TV and go to bed. But it’s when I’m alone and reading and praying that I feel so sad and hurt and lonely and frustrated. I feel powerless. I don’t know how to change things. I was taught that faith can move mountains and that God hears and answers prayers. I know those things, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt them.

I feel like I’m stuck in this whirlpool where I’m just tossed round and round and keep getting pulled further and further under the water. I’m drowning.  

April 5, 2016

I’ve cried myself to sleep the last few nights. I feel pinned down in every way, and I don’t feel any hope for things to change or improve. It’s been so long. I hate that I can’t help thinking about the things I really want. It hurts so much to want things that I don’t have and can’t have. I want so badly to feel wanted somewhere and to contribute to the things I really care about. I feel like there’s so much going on in this world that I want to be a part of, but I’m not. I want to use Arabic and do some good in this world. I want to be independent. I want to live somewhere and decorate my own wall. I want to stop living out of a suitcase. I want to be in a relationship. I want someone to talk to and hug. I want someone to love and I want someone to love me. I want to be social and do fun things. I want a life. 

This week I also went to a doctor about my really bad stomach pain and nausea. I did an abdominal ultrasound, breath test, and blood work. Some days it's so bad that all I do is lay in bed. 

April 8, 2016

This week I feel alright. Well, actually I don’t really feel anything. I’m afraid that I’ve gotten used to feeling lifeless and alone and blah – it’s just becoming normal. One thing that I want to better learn how to deal with is how to have hopes and desires without always being disappointed. I can’t seem to control what I really want and what I get excited about. But then I just get crushed every time something doesn’t work out, and I’m tired of feeling that way. I hate being disappointed, but how do I control my hopes and dreams and desires? Or how do I deal with disappointment when it seems to happen all the time? Nothing ever works out and nothing ever changes. 

This week I’ve really tried to work on mindfulness, and it is really hard! I get so distracted by thoughts and memories and ideas. I go into auto-pilot mode all the time. I’ve tried to be mindful during a few daily routines: showering and eating. It’s crazy how quickly I become distracted. I’m trying to really be in the moment and feel what’s happening to me rather than just thinking about it. I’ve also been doing the body scan each day, and I really like it. Often I get tired and start to fall asleep but it feels good to go through each part of my body and recognize what I’m sensing. It’s very refreshing and reminds me that I’m alive.  

My therapist recommended cognitive therapy so I found this workbook that I really like. It focuses on mindfulness, grounding, and recognizing thought processes, which is what I refer to above. 

April 16, 2016

Tender mercy: my cousin Mattie came to visit! We played all day in NYC and it was SO FUN! 

We are so similar in so many ways. It is also so refreshing to be with someone who really knows me and what I'm going through, and I don't have to explain myself to. I told her all about my recent struggles and awkward dating experiences and health problems. Real conversations are so important to me. Especially since I didn't know anyone in New York before moving here, and my life is pretty isolated right now. This weekend was such a blessing. 

April 20, 2016

The last few days have been really hard. More than anything I feel angry. I’m mad at God, even though I’m trying so hard not to be. I hate the situation that I’m in; it’s not getting any better and I don’t foresee anything changing. In my mindfulness workbook I’m supposed to recognize pleasant experiences throughout the day which has actually been really sad – I don’t really have pleasant experiences. I never feel happy. I go through the day and I make myself do things, but I don’t really feel anything. I just feel dead and numb and angry.

It is so hard not to compare myself to others. I’m trying to be happy for people in my life, but I also get really envious. I want so badly to have a life and to belong somewhere. When is it my turn?

I hate everything. I’m trying not to live in the past but I hate my current situation and I have nothing to hope for or look forward to. I don’t want to do this anymore.

When You're Mad at God 

April 25, 2016

Today I talked to Sandy about this weird mood that I get into. Some days I just feel so disconnected from everything. It takes me so much energy to be present and participate in whatever is going on. For example, on Saturday I went to the Yankees game with some friends. I just felt so out of it and I had to force myself to chat and be engaged in what was going on. It was exhausting and I just felt so weird. I have felt it many times throughout my life and I’ve never known why it happens and what to do about it. Because I know it’s not me – I do like being around people and I’m a fun person. I like to be social and goof around.

Sandy told me that this is a clear indication of chemical depression. So apparently I’ve dealt with it for a really long time because I remember having those days in middle school and high school. I felt like that a lot through college too. It’s strange to think about how long I’ve had depression and never knew it. And it’s hard not to feel kind of gypped. I never knew if that was just a bad mood or a sugar hangover or what. Knowing that it was depression all along is really frustrating but also relieving. And all I can do about it is to keep trying to figure out my medication. GAHHH.