The journal continues...
(For those just joining - click on My Story above)
June 12, 2016
This week has been really up and down. Some days I feel great, other days I feel super crappy. This week was worse than last week and I feel pretty drained right now. I had to turn down another job opportunity which really sucked. Because I wanted it. It sounded like something right up my alley. But it's over near Seattle and I just don't think I'm physically healthy enough to commit to a full-time job right now or start over on my life again. My parents actually encouraged me not to take it. I'm grateful that they've been so understanding and chill while I've been a mess. But I don't know at what point I need to give up on "getting healthy" and just make myself do something with my life. It is so frustrating but I just keep getting sicker. I pretty much force myself to eat anything. Nothing ever sounds good. And I still have very little energy.
People have been so good to me though. I really appreciate the little things. Like a member of the bishopric saying how happy the ward is to have me around. And an uncle calling to see how I'm doing. And friends simply wanting to hang out with me even if we just sit around talking about nothing. It means a lot to me.
June 14, 2016
Today was a hard day. I woke up feeling so dead and heavy and sick to my stomach. I didn't feel like eating anything all day except mac & cheese, weirdly enough. That's the only thing that ever sounds good, so that's pretty much all I eat these days.
I felt so terrible all day so I curled up in a ball on the couch and tried to watch movies. I texted Julia (BYU friend) all day which was really helpful. The best part of my major at school was definitely the people. She was in bed all day too so we commiserated together. She's pregnant though so I feel kind of pathetic. Although some days I feel pregnant too with my nausea and weird cravings. It's funny. Kind of.
I don't know why I feel so sick. I've had testing for other illnesses but nothing has showed up. My doctor said that mental illness can wreak havoc on the whole body and affects everything. It's hard to do anything when I feel so sick.
Tonight I went on a walk with Allie which I needed SO much! Just having someone to talk to and hang out with helps a lot.
The future feels so daunting and I hate thinking about it. I feel like I have a really bad attitude about life right now, but if my life has been this challenging and I'm only in my mid-20s, I don't even want to know what's coming. Why should I be excited for more pain and heartache and struggle? Are the good times actually worth it? I'm not so sure.
June 19, 2016
This week has been really up and down. Wednesday was a really hard day. I felt so down and discouraged and sick. I went to Institute though and the lesson was just what I needed, of course. We talked about Elder Hallstrom's talk, "I Am a Child of God." If I really know and understand what that means, to be a child of God, I think I'll be able to handle my struggles a lot better. So I set a goal that whenever my fears and doubts and discouragements come to mind, I'm just going to reassure myself over and over that I am a child of God. I can trust Him. I can exercise faith that He does care, He does know, and He will bless me. I feel like I have to fight for that testimony each day. Satan works so hard on me to forget that fundamental truth, and I don't want to give him power any more.
Also that night I came home to the sweetest care package from a family in the ward. It was so thoughtful and I don't think I've ever received flowers before! It made my day.
Today was really cool too. Well, part of it. We sat down in church, looked at the program, and realized that Tessa (little sister) was supposed to speak, which she had totally forgotten about! It was hilarious but we were kind of freaking out too. So... I ended up speaking for her and just made up a Father's Day talk on the spot. Funny funny experience. But then after the meeting the Stake President came up to me and handed me a note. He said that the Spirit prompted him so strongly to tell me a few things. It was such a powerful note and a direct answer to prayer (even though it was an answer that I didn't want and I'm actually kind of mad about it). Anyways, it was one of the coolest things I have ever experienced.
I feel good today. I've had energy, I've been present in the moment, and I haven't felt sick. WOOHOO!
June 20, 2016
I feel like I only write when I have bad days, but I do have good days too. Sometimes. Well, I consider good days to be days that I don't feel terrible or have a breakdown or hate life.
Like going to Seattle with Tyler (brother) to watch the Copa America game was a good day.
And hiking and four wheeling with my dad was a good day.
But "good" days are mostly just the days where I block everything out and stay busy doing other things so I don't have to deal with anything.
June 22, 2016
Yesterday was so bad. I don't even want to write about it. I feel like I'm being tortured right now and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm having a really hard time believing in God's love for me, and I don't know if I trust that any more.
June 25, 2016
I am so emotionally dead. I don't feel anything.
But - tender mercies: The other night my uncle Jeff randomly called. He said he had read my blog and has been thinking about me. He just called to see how I was doing and to tell me his family loves and prays for me. It was so sweet and made me feel so good. That night Allie and I sat on her roof and cried and talked for a long time. She has been such an incredible friend and I am so grateful!
Also, yesterday I talked to (a friend) for a few hours. She was recently diagnosed with PTSD after experiencing so many traumatic events, but I can relate to her SO much! It's crazy. A few things I learned:
1. Give yourself 5 minutes of total alone time and silence each day solely to think about God's love for you
2. It's okay to focus on you for a while, you can say no to things
3. Trust in God's plan, He is a God of miracles
June 27, 2016
I went to the doctor's today and she doubled the dosage of my meds. She asked how I feel on a scale of 0-100% and I honestly have no idea. I don't remember what "normal" is or how I'm supposed to feel. But here goes another 5 weeks of trying medications that don't seem to work...
July 1, 2016
This week was actually pretty good. I babysat my cousin's 2-month-old baby, Brooks, for the entire week (night & day). It was a lot of work and tiring at times but also really fun! It was great having a little buddy with me all the time. There is something really spiritual about holding a baby and seeing them look into your eyes as if they can see past everything else and only see your soul. I loved spending so much time with him.
Also one night this week I was sitting out on the front steps watching the sunset and I felt content for the first time in a long time. I'm doing my best and I don't need to be more of anything right now. My life is what it is, for now, and I'm okay with that.
July 5, 2016
This weekend was really great. My 3 sisters who are living in Utah came to visit! They also brought my best friend Heidi with them and it was a party! I was exhausted and fought against my lack of energy, but for the most part I felt pretty good and was able to spend good quality time with them. We were weird and annoying and loud, and it felt so great.
All of them asked if I've lost weight. I don't know? I don't eat much but when I do all I eat is mac & cheese, ice cream, and candy. I rarely have an appetite. I also don't exercise much at all so I'm getting super weak. It's the worst.
On Sunday night for FHE I gave the lesson. It's our tradition to go around and say what you love about the person who gave the lesson afterwards. I was really humbled to hear from my siblings and friends what they think of me. I must be doing better than I think I am because I don't feel like I'm handling this whole situation well at all. It was especially humbling to hear my mom say that since I've been home, she actually understands why I would give up and "jump ship," but she's amazed that I've held on to my faith and haven't. For some reason that meant A LOT to me.
Another month has come and gone and I feel like I'm making zero progress. The hardest thing is to be patient and kind with myself. I am so eager to get feeling better and get on with my life, but that's just not happening as quickly as I would like. So many things don't make any sense to me and the most basic parts of my testimony are tested every single day - that God is real and isn't trying to be cruel to me, that He cares specifically about me, and hears and answers my prayers. I fight a constant battle to keep choosing faith in those principles every single day despite everything I'm trying to deal with.
July 7, 2016
Bad day. I don't want to do life any more. How do I make this all stop?
This is the lowest I've ever felt. I give up. I have nothing left of me to give.
July 10, 2016
This week has been so rough. I am at the end of my rope. I have no patience left in me and I feel totally destroyed and broken. I don't know what to pray for anymore and my faith is hanging on by its last shred. I have nothing left in me and my strength is at its limit.
I have tried everything I know of.
I can't do it anymore.
July 12, 2016
Goodness gracious when is something actually gonna go right? This last week I haven't been able to sleep well because now my back is killing me. I toss and turn all night and can't get comfortable. I don't know what happened. I mean it's not like I go tubing and wake surfing and four wheeling all the time that could possibly throw out my back... Just kidding I do.
Also I've been super dizzy lately. Pretty much every time I stand up I almost black out. It's probably from the meds and not eating much.
Oh. And back when I first started therapy I was told that my insurance would cover it except for a copay. Well apparently that was wrong. My insurance won't pay for any of it so I just had to pay a whole lot of money for all my previous sessions. SO DUMB. Gahhhhh.
I'm gonna go buy a big bag of Reese's minis right now.
July 17, 2016
This week was fine. I feel dead and exhausted all the time but whatever. Life is just blah-ing by.
I also have a wicked cold for like the 100th time this year.
The weekend was pretty good. It's always great to be around cousins and do fun things. At least that keeps me distracted from worrying about all the things I can't help but worry about. It's so hard for me to find the balance between being content and happy with my current life, but also working and hoping for things to change and improve. I've always been really bad at finding that balance. I'm workin on it.
This whole "mental illness" thing has been so confusing for me. Doctors say it's all chemical but it feels spiritual while also destroying me physically and emotionally. I just don't get it. My faith has been tested like nothing else. But this is my secret to spiritual survival: every night before I go to bed I search on lds.org about a topic that I need that day. Usually it's "trust in God" or "waiting upon the Lord" or "hope." I have found the most incredible talks/speeches/articles that always give me the strength I need to embrace another day.
These are some of my favorites:
1. Do Not Despair - Ezra Taft Benson
"There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you."
"To press on in noble endeavors, even while surrounded by a cloud of depression, will eventually bring you out on top into the sunshine."2. Trusting God When Things Go Wrong - Todd A. Britsch
3. Waiting Upon the Lord - Henry B. Eyring
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." [Isaiah 40:31]4. The Currant Bush - Hugh B. Brown
"God is the gardener here. He knows what He wants you to be."July 19, 2016
Life is so stupid right now. But these are my recent tender mercies:
1. Teaching with the missionaries! It helps me so much.
2. Little sisters! They hang out with me and help me get stuff done. They're also always up for swimming, going to the movies, or doing crafts. I hate being alone right now so they've been my buddies.
3. Allie and Miles! They are now my neighbors and it's been a huge blessing! Whenever I feel down and discouraged I just walk over and talk to Allie and play with Miles. It's the greatest.
And I finally finished this project for my wall. My bishop encouraged me to make a list of my accomplishments, spiritual experiences, and attributes to remind myself that I'm not a total loser and I have felt God's love and guidance in the past. I ended up turning it into a little craft for my wall. Yay.
So it's pretty obvious how terrible I feel right now. Every aspect of my life has fallen to pieces. I feel bad for only writing about the bad stuff, but hey, this is my journal and this is my life. I'm actually really hesitant to keep posting my journal because it's not very uplifting and probably really sad. I wish I could write about happy things and progress and "a happily ever after." But that's just not gonna happen anytime soon, and I know that. BUT, some good stuff has happened in my life too. Here's my attempt to focus on the good...
Since last summer I have:
1. Spent a lot of time with my family
2. Gotten closer to extended family
3. Done some really fun things like a helicopter ride, roller coasters over Vegas, and living in NY
4. Become so much more open and vulnerable - I mean, I literally opened up my journal to the world
5. Reached mom status - seriously, I am a pro at burping and swaddling and comforting babies. Also, I actually want to be a mom now which I never really have before
6. Written articles for FamilyShare - check em out here
7. Tutored Arabic
8. Read books I've always wanted to read
9. Actually tried to date more
10. Made some great new friends
11. Visited new states
12. Completed some cool projects
Wooot. So I have made some progress and my life hasn't been entirely terrible!
I should probably end on that note so you readers aren't super sad and depressed now.
I am so grateful to YOU for reading this. I hate being so weak and vulnerable and sick but I know that we become better and closer as we let people into our lives and struggles. I've had to heavily rely on others' light through this dark part of my life, so thank you for your sunshine.
